French menaced by Big Easy political fallout

Several weeks on from the Biblical horror of Hurricane Katrina, the world still vividly recalls the truly moving pictures of stranded men and women struggling to escape the rising water, abandoned pets pining for their owners and desperate people sifting through department store goods in order to find the seventeen pairs of D&G jeans and two dozen Gucci handbags crucial to their immediate survival.

Sadly overshadowing these harrowing events, however, is the considerable political fallout. The Federal Emergency Management Agency, whose remit it is to vigorously sweep such things under a bloody big carpet, mishandled the situation badly, with FEMA head Michael Brown eventually losing his job. This was taken as read after President George W Bush was overheard saying to him: "You're doin' a great job, Brownie." Proof positive, were it needed, that Brown's days were numbered.

Several days elapsed before Bush mk2 deigned to visit the scene of the disaster, but once there he was able to empathise with and comfort the homeless citizens of New Orleans from his seat in Air Force 1. Bush was heard to say: "Look at all them poor itty-bitty people down there. My heart goes out to the good folks of Lilliput." An aide quickly corrected: "No Sir, that's not Lilliput, it's New Orleans. They just look small because were at 37,000 feet, Mr President."

I know that, goddamit," retorted Bush. "I just thought we could all use a good laugh right now." His presidential emergency squad immediately responded with raucous laughter and much whooping of "Good one boss, yeah! Get in the hole!"

After witnessing the devastation first-hand, the dangerous combined intellects of Bush's cabinet were put to work trying to think of a viable solution to the crisis. After moments of detailed deliberation, The Rockall Times can sensationally reveal that New Orleans is to be returned to its original owner — France.

In what was known as the Louisiana Purchase, the USA bought the entire state of Louisiana, including New Orleans, in 1803. The French were only too pleased to offload the swamp-ridden and flood-prone territory to the hapless Americans, who were intent on grabbing land for further expansion. Two hundred years later, Bush set teams to trawl the dustiest archives in Washington DC, and they finally came up with the original documentation that should legally allow the return of the state. "We have, in our possession, historical records that will enable us to return Louisiana to our good friends, those cheese-eating surrender monkeys across the pond," Bush enthused. "What's more, we've still got the receipt."

French reaction, meanwhile, has been lukewarm to suggestions that they triumphantly reclaim their former American colony — originally known as New France. President Chirac was quick to refute any responsibility for the stricken American state, saying: "France has no obligations regarding Louisiana and New Orleans whatever. Lets be realistic here, we can't even be trusted with our own country, let alone anyone else's. Look at what happened in two World Wars. We welcomed the Germans with open arms after offering token resistance. Mon Dieu, half the country collaborated with the Nazis and we're still pissing in the streets 60 years later."

America looks set to push all the way though, and may even refer the matter to international courts and the United Nations. And the law, it appears, may be on their side after the original receipt was discovered to bear the words: "Your statutory rights are not affected." It now seems certain the Deep South will in future be known as Le Enclave Sud — whether Johnny Frenchie likes it or not.

Previously

• Katrina: Where it all went horribly, horribly wrong
• New Orleans: Our chilling eyewitness report
• Louisiana 'must curb its Frenchness'