Bird flu: 93 per cent of you are going to die

Our readers are today invited to imagine a scene of devastation and human suffering beyond Biblical comparison: the UK paralysed by fear and panic; industry at a standstill; the streets deserted; airports and stations closed; malnourished children sobbing into their mothers' emaciated breasts; panicked shoppers fighting with knives over the last few deliveries of Sunny D and Pot Noodle; law and order broken down; government powerless; civilisation collapsed; unrecovered bodies piled in the streets; and everywhere the stench of death — foul, foul death.

Is this what a bird flu pandemic has in store for the UK? No, that's a description of Britain after a two-day fuel protest.

Our readers are now invited to imagine this, a scene of devastation and despair on an scarcely-imaginable ultra-Biblical scale: The UK paralysed by fear and panic; industry at a complete standstill; the streets deserted save a few die hard hoodies threatening the armed forces with infected chicken carcasses; airports and railway stations permanently sealed with concrete; malnourished children sobbing pitifully into their dead mothers' emaciated breasts; panicked shoppers fighting with semi-automatic weapons over the last supplies of microwaveable novelty processed turkey shapes; law and order thrown to the ground like so much Greek poultry; government dead, civilisation regressed to a Neanderthal state in which stone tools are bartered for H5N1-free squirrels and hedgehogs captured by roving bands of Albanian paedophiles; unrecovered bodies shamelessly looted for unused Lotto scratchcards and cigarettes; and everywhere the all-pervading unsweet stench of death — foul, foul, merciless death.

One expert — speaking on condition that we lend him 50 quid for a flu jab — told The Rockall Times: "A bird flu pandemic is not a matter of if, it's a matter of when." And if when? "Death; foul, foul death on a hitherto unimaginable scale." Unimaginable? "Image all the plagues of Egypt visited upon the nation at a stroke coupled to an plagues of anthrax and ebola. Imagine that — that's how unimaginable it is, almost transcending even the merest possibility of unimaginability," concluded our ashen-faced epidemiologist.

The government, meanwhile, confirmed last week that an full-scale outbreak of avian influenza in the UK would most likely kill around 93 per cent of the population, but asked consumers not to panic and to continue to buy chicken as normal. A spokesman announced: "We've sent a bloke to Asia to have a look at the situation, so please keep buying British chicken as it represents no threat whatsoever."

Other government guidelines include:

• Don't panic
• Buy turkey as normal. And chicken
• Avoid Greeks and Romanians
• Make a will

Previously

• Britain braces for flu terrordemic
• Britain braces for bird flu apocalypse
• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!