MySpace.com: The internet's dark, moist heart

Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania — The sorry state of the morals of American teenagers has been brought to the media's attention by a bible-thumping, Right-to-Life, ultra-conservative Senator from Pennsylvania, after a cipher expert at the Pentagon broke the code and got the Senator's 15-year old daughter's password to MySpace.com. MySpace.com is purportedly an innocent on-line meeting place for teens. Members complete a biography, add pictures and music, write a blog, and communicate with other wholesome teens through message boards.

It sounds harmless enough, but the Senator discovered that among his daughter's Friends' Network were girls with screen names such as "You Wish You Were a Cunt Like Me", "Born2Ball", "Prostitute", and "MissOralBliss". The Senator's daughter goes by the tag "Orgasms4U". After a few weeks spent reading the blogs written by these young ladies, the Senator discovered a darker side to teenage socialization. The dating ritual has undergone a dramatic metamorphosis.

Teens have completely redefined the dating paradigm. Couples begin as friends, which develops into "Friends with Benefits", which may or may not result in dating. Friends with Benefits signifies that they are amenable to performing sex acts on each other, with no strings attached. As the horrified Senator told CNN: "If they're having sex as friends, what would my daughter have to do when they start dating? Wash his clothes?"

According to the message boards at MySpace.com, getting good scores on one's SATs is not nearly as crucial as the ability to give a good blowjob to a girl's guy pals. The Senator noted that he read no less than twelve "how to" guides on the best techniques. It is not known if the Senator downloaded the guides for the "little woman" he keeps locked at home, barefoot and pregnant.

Radical feminists have grudgingly admitted that this time the Senator might be right, although he's floated some crack-pot ideology in the past. A spokeswoman for the National Association for Women (NOW) issued a statement saying: "This is so wrong. Giving a guy sex just because he's horny sets the whole Women's Movement back twenty years. What are these silly girls thinking?"

The Senator also said that he planned to crash a "Rainbow Party" on Halloween to get first-hand intelligence on the newest teen craze — scoring the most blow jobs in a single evening from young ladies wearing different colored lipsticks.

Previously

• Internet chat rooms: Lock up your daughters
• Internet onanists express wireless dismay
• Internet declared safe for babies