Man hospitalised by Tory leadership battle

A Basingstoke man was last night described as "critical but stable" in a local hospital suffering from an apparent overdose of Tory leadership battle which left him partially paralysed and unable to speak.

Enrique Mondeo, 27, collapsed at his modest suburban home after swallowing a potentially lethal cocktail of BBC, ITV and Sky News coverage of the titanic struggle for control of the UK's foremost right-of-centre political organism. The no-holds-barred free-for-all — dubbed by breathless commentators "The Rustling at the Hustings" or "The Batlle of Hustings II" — has for several weeks gripped an entire nation unable to tear itself away from any available media by which it might watch the drama unfold.

Mondeo's visibly-shaken wife Sharona de Menezes Mondeo, an attractive 25-year-old brunette, recounted: "I just nipped out to the kitchen to make a nice cup of tea while the BBC ran a forty-minute analysis of the polictical implications of David Cameron's alleged dalliance with Class-A drugs while at university, but when I came back Enrique was lying on the floor foaming at the mouth. It looked like he'd fallen while lunging for the remote control but the paramedics told me later it was inconceivable that anyone would even consider switching channels at such a critical moment in the history of the United Kingdom."

One doctor confirmed the paramedics' suspicions, telling The Rockall Times: "It looks like a neural overload to me. The human brain simply isn't designed to take this level of excitment over extended periods." When asked how people should avoid a fate similar to that of Mr Mondeo, the doctor stated grimly: "Turn off the television and go down the pub."

In Westminster, meanwhile, David Davis' assured the nation last night that, as Conservative leader, he would introduce legislation to combat the growing menace of nice Middle Class people snorting Bolivian marching powder while getting educated at the taxpayers' expense. Cameron countered with a promise to hang everyone for any offence whatsoever, excluding perjury, adultery, gerrymandering, taking cash for questions, political corruption in general or "the consumption of Class-A drugs in an educational context". Kenneth Clarke weighed in with a heartfelt committment to "take a very large Port immediately after this interview", after which he jumped into a cab bound for political oblivion.

Breaking News

David Cameron has been voted the Tory Blue Rinse man of choice following analysis of intimate swabs taken by a crack team of Tory MPs. A lab technician confirmed: "Not only does he look very clean, he is very clean. Just the way the grassroots faithful like 'em. A very nice young man. And very clean. Not like that dirty Mr Blair. Still hasn't scrubbed the coal dust out from under his fingernails, I shouldn't wonder."

Previously

• Tory leadership race moves into overdrive
• Middle England™ warms to Ken Clarke
• Tory party fights for right to die