Souness fingered for Magpies' woes

After a mediocre start to the Premiership season, many Geordie pundits are beginning to wonder if Newcastle's manager's fiery temper is responsible for the team's stalled campaign. How, they ponder, can the players really be expected to produce calm, controlled football with such a vocal and animated character on the bench?

Club chairman Freddy Shepherd remains convinced that if Souness can just show a little less passion then the good times could be just around the corner. "We're doing all we can for Graeme," he commented. "We've splashed out big money on the most boring player ever to grace the Primera Liga. There isn't a strike force in the Premiership with less personality, and in Shearer and Owen we can boast the two dreariest England forwards of their generation. On a personal note I've lent him the wife's collection of Miss Marple videos, to help him relax."

The players are said to be rallying round in support of the boss. Scrabble has replaced card schools on away trips, whilst Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer have been spotted at aromatherapy and Pilates classes.

Changes have also been made within St. James' Park, in an attempt to calm the feisty Jock. The walls of the dressing room have been painted beige, camomile tea has ousted Tetley, and the tea lady has been ordered to secure sufficient supplies of chocolate Hob Nobs "to last until the Champions' League playoffs" — a sure sign that Newcastle mean business.

Despite fierce media criticism of the vociferous Scot, Jack Charlton is among those keen to support Souness. "I've been a Geordie all my life and I’m right behind Graeme's style of management," he enthused while flicking a single hair over his ample forehead. "Constructive criticism and tactical subtleties are all well and good, but you've got to realise that most footballers are as thick as pig shit. Who needs sports psychology and Feng Shui when what they really want is a good fuc*king bol*locking."

"Wor" Jackie Phillips, president of the Rockall branch of the Newcastle United Supporters Club, remains philosophical: "It takes more than personality to make a good manager. Dalglish could get pretty irate in the dressing room, by all accounts, whereas Gullit was more cerebral... but both were as fuc*king useless as a eunuch in a knocking shop."

Previously

• My Toon dream has comes true, sobs grateful Owen
• Sunderland FC goes back in Tyne
• Refugees flee savage Tyneside violence