Bird flu slams into UK shores

The fear that until now has simply gripped the nation has now become chilling reality, as the discovery of an H5N1 avian flu contaminated parrot was confirmed early this week.

The ex-parrot was amongst a consignment of 216 birds of mixed species imported from Surinam and in quarantine. The remaining birds, who exhibited no signs of being ill, were immediately shot, burned, dumped in hydrochloric acid baths and what little remained was then catapulted into space.

So what is avian flu H5N1 and how do we deal with it? Our science correspondent, Jocelyn Thrutch quizzed the top people from DEFRA about the concerns we should all have and how we can minimize the chances of us all throwing a seven.

Is it possible to stop bird flu entering the Country?

You dozy cun*t. Birds fly don't they? What do you want us to do? Shoot down every bird entering British airspace? Jesus wept, British Public, you really are fuc*king thick, aren't you?

How do Humans catch Bird Flu?

The disease is carried in the birds' crap, which dries out, becomes a powder and is then inhaled. So Kate Moss better watch out what her charlie is cut with in future.

Can the disease be passed from Human to Human?

Oh yes. So keep your filthy paws off of each other.

Does this disease just affect the respitory system?

Good question that. Err, we don't really know that one, so far it has only mutated into a pneumonia-like disease, but don't discount your teeth falling out or your knob dropping off.

Can I still continue eating chicken?

Yes, so long as you cook it in a blast furnace at 450 degrees C and hold your nose as you swallow each bit.

Is the UK now at serious risk?

Possibly, but measures are being put into place to combat the severest of effects and minimize the effects of a major pandemic, such as millions of Romanians being culled to stop the possible spread of Avian Flu Europe wide.

Don't you mean birds in Romania?

We know what we mean. Now, how about asking us about something else we know very little about, such as SARS? We can bullshit about that one just as well.

Our correspondent at this point made his excuses and left.

Previously

• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!
• SARS not as interesting as first thought
• Bird flu: 93 per cent of you are going to die