Brum riots rattle Rockall (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Locals at Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey were last night visibly shaken by rioting in Birmingham between Afro-Caribbean and Asians which left one man dead and several things burning for the benefit of horrified TV crews.

One snug regular — known only as Bonzo — quietly supped his light, mild and black and lamented: "Well, who would have thought it? They've always got on so well..." His sentiment was echoed by many regulars who regard relations between Britain's black and Asian communties as a paradigm of racial harmony.

"Yeah, I mean they always had the common enemy to unite them, didn't they," offered octogenarian post office mistress Gladys as she attacked a sweet sherry. "The wogs I mean, or Afros as the Caribbeans call 'em. They never did get on with the Africans but the Asians, well really, I always thought they were the very best of chums."

"And the Somalis," chipped in one young man throwing nuggets into the "Rivers of Blood" frutie while enjoying a Newcastle Brown ale. "The Afro-Caribbeans can't stand the Somalis or the Ethiopians. And as for Liberia..."

"Bloody hell," interjected landlord Vince as the whippersnapper advanced inexorably up the Trevor Phillips Ladder of Inequality. "I knew sending him to university was a bloody mistake. He'll start up about returning African Americans regarding the indigenous Liberian population as racially inferior in a minute. It'll be 'Charles Taylor' this and 'Charles Taylor' that..."

"In any case, Blacks and Asians can't be racist," asserted the undergraduate as he marked up ten quid in the Darcus Howe Melting Pot of Love. "Racism is a White construct formented in the darkest years of colonialism."

"I see," mulled Vince as he poured a foaming flagon of Olde Wifebeater for Arthur "Chalky" Black. "So if a Jamaican calls and Asian a Paki or an Indian calls a Black a nigger it's all down to the Belgian Congo then?"

"Exactly," concluded our educated gambler as he pocketed the £50 fruits of the Enoch Powell "Heart of Darkness" gamble feature.

"Thank Christ for that," sighed a visibly-relieved Vince. "And I thought that racism was a trans-racial phenomenon characterised by discrimination on the grounds of race. Good to know that Blacks and Asians going at it hammer and tongs are simply reflecting their shared heritage of exploitation, and aren't in fact a complete bunch of tossers like that fuc*king twat from the BNP who was in here last year canvassing for the local council elections. Here, Davey, didn't you vote for the BNP?"

"You fuc*king what?" sputtered an infuriated Davey Leveret, throwing down his copy of Chicken Farmer Now! magazine. "I'm Revolutionary Communist through-and-through, as well you bloody know. Some of my best chicken-pluckers have a touch of the tar brush about 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Mind you, those Somalis get right on my bloody tits..."

Brum riots rattle Rockall

Previously