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This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2005/10/24/im-service.html.
Microshaft expletes Tourettes IM service
Effing and blinding to a PC near you
by H'arj Imladd
A unique initiative announced today will fill a much overlooked nook in the worldwide cranny of mass communication services, The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal.
Following the untimely demise of "Tim", the much-loved, silver-spooned, plum and honey-soaked upper class voice of the speaking clock, public pressure has uniquely yet intimately coupled technological advances and a heavy handed partnership between two capitalist behemoths BT and Microshaft, with humble mental health charity INSANE to launch "T.I.M.", the eagerly-awaited Tourettes Instant Messenger.
As an afterthought to the recently announced vibrantly loved-up merging of S&M and Yehaa! Messengers, marketing folks have struck metaphorical Iron Pyrites with a sure fire internet stampede of a product, aimed squarely between the shoulder blades of the lucrative "People with jobs" demographic. A straightjacket-clad spokeslooney and product linguistics consultant for affiliated mental health charity INSANE (Institution Nominally Seeking Active Nutters Everywhere) hyperventilated the following press release:
"T.I.M. ™ will revolutionise the — fuc*k — messaging world with it's uni — wan*ker — sorry, unique blend of intuitive interface and verbal — cun*t — dexterity. The central algorithm flawlessly — bas*tard — integrates random rude words into everyday instant messaging — cun*t titwan*k — conversations. Based on existing Micro — wan*kers — shaft S&M technology the product is ready to download to — bol*locks — day."
Enthralled and excited trial consumers have literally turned the internet blue with test conversations and all users report increased mirth and self esteem in the work place. One trialist, Abigail Merdestorm (23) of Battlesbridge, further comments: "I can now use the word cun*t without blushing". Ah bless.
However, not everyone is in favour of a veritable open season Tourettes fuc*kfest. Veteran Rockall Times satirist Greg Doublewank, cornered in the smoking lounge of the Fighting Dog and Pikey public house, declared: "Can't see the fuc*king point really, I'll swear when I bas*tard want to."
Indeed, our jaded hack went on to explain that a T.I.M. conversation between journalists would be indistinguishable from the real thing, as this Rockall Times electronic story pitch from a trainee satirist demonstrates: "Prime minister Tony — cun*t — Blair will today address parliament — wan*kers — on the latest intelligence from President — twatfuc*ktosserpricksuckcun*t — Bush..."
Previously
From The Rockall Times Monday 24th October 2005
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.