There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
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  Monday 24th October 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Rockall braces for avian flu pandemic refugees

30 million expected on world's remotest islet
by Crispi Duck

The tiny North Atlantic stone outcrop of Rockall began to make preparations today to receive the largest number of evacuees since Hitler bombed London in 1940, on a scale of mass departure such as last seen when Freddy Mercury announced he was HIV positive live on stage at the Tory party Conference in Brighton.

Abu Titmuss: KebabHuge numbers of mainland Brits are expected to attempt the dangerous crossing to the island safe-haven in the coming weeks whilst their comrades left back in blighty face a fate worse than death; being forced to resort to drinking Sainsbury's and Tesco's own brand cola when stocks of the "real thing" run dry in order to quench their rabid like thirst brought on by the H5N1 virus as they enter their death-throes finally drowning in their own excreta.

A spokesman for the Co-operative United National Transmigratory office (C.U.N.T.) of the islet was asked what preparation's they had made for the reception of 30,000,000 refugees from Britain.

"Err…. I dunno mate," he admitted, "but you can rest assured that any birds with big tits and an insatiable appetite to munch on my love truncheon would bypass the stringent immigrant controls that we currently employ."

Asked if this would include the likes of Jodie Marsh and Abi Titmuss the spokesman replied: "Abi Titmuss… sure, me and the missus have often fantasised about Abi munching on her kebab whilst I strummed myself silly. But as for Marsh, mere mutton mate, although Fred down in payroll has always fancied slipping her a length — only up the date mind."

When asked where the C.U.N.T. office of Rockall planned to house the potential 30 million person influx from the mainland the spokesman became vague and headed down his local, with a final "Fuck knows mate, I'm more concerned at the moment about whether I can retire at 50 on full pay and with private healthcare, times are hard the bean counters are everywhere these days, what's an honest bloke to do?"

So there we have it, it seems that civil service officials are the same the world over, caring, compassionate and hugely underpaid for the difficult work they do whilst just trying to make the world a better place.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man