Blair tackles flu pandemic head-on

Tony Blair has set up a crisis centre in response to news he read in a book that the First World War was followed by a rash of casualties from a mysterious virus that killed more people than died in the conflict immediately preceding it.

This week he will make a major announcement regarding that outbreak in 1918 that led to millions of people worldwide dying and caused Biblical-scale despair around the globe. Speaking in cabinet this week, Blair is understood to have proposed a public statement to the effect: "To all those who suffered, we offer our apologies. To all those who are continuing to suffer we will make amends."

A series of measures will include the declaration of a designated annual "Flu Day". The commemoration will see the Prime Minister, along with members of the Royal Family, attend events to remember those who died and what lessons are to be learnt. Speaking in a pejorative or jocular fashion about the events will become a crime and the Health & Safety Executive will produce an 8,000-page handy booklet on the subject in seventy-three languages.

One of the main practical initiatives understood to be under consideration would see compensation offered to the parents of anyone who died in 1918 — subject to the condition that they are able to travel to Croydon in person to make a claim. To relieve the administrative burden, and perhaps to speed things up, the Government has generously allowed the same computer system which runs its flagship CSA to process the fifty-page application forms. Treasury calculations estimate the likely cost to be under £100.

Previously

• Rockall braces for avian flu pandemic refugees
• Bird flu: 93 per cent of you are going to die
• Britain braces for flu terrordemic