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Guardian in Rockall snap outrage

It has come to our attention that UK chattering-class tabloid the Guardian recently ran something on Rockall without mentioning the voice of the world's remotest islet. A reader explains:

Dear Sir/Madam

As a regular reader of your fine publication, and a subscriber to the Guardian Weekly (for balance you understand) I am dismayed that there has been no mention of your propietorship of The Heavily Forested Isle of Rockall in either publication while the latter gleefully flourishes photos of your namesake rock. Are you aware of this? Is there not something in the code of sovereignty, the UN Charter or just the Little Book of Gentlemanly Conduct that would prompt the heathens at the Guardian to notify you and perhaps offer some sort of compensation, perhaps a colour liftout to promote the many tourist attractions to be found on your sunny little Shangri La.

I have written to the Notes and Queries section of the Guardian to inform them of their oversight. Alas, my letter is unlikely to be published owing to the delay on my recieving the paper each week. You see, here in China they have not he sharpest postal service you can think of, and I recieve the preceding Thursday's publication on the following Friday. The time delay has had the disastrous consequence of causing me to miss the window where they will publish my objection along with a formal apology.

But then I am torn and my mind is a torrid quagmire of doubt. What has been done by you people to rectify this? Has this incident been brought to attention of the powers that be, those strolling the corridors of power, knocking heads together and cackling away whilst hoarding taxation revenues that had been assigned to......tidal surveys, for example. Time for a shake up, a protest or two and a violent crackdown I think, followed by a celebration of the Greatest Ever Rockallians and perhaps some subsidised beer. That will get people hugging in the streets again and you can go back to relaxing in your deckchairs at taxpayers expense.

I am prepared to let his go by until I expose it in my memoirs. Very good of me and a lot of necks saved I am sure. Not so lucky at the Guardian, where I have loudly threatened to do absolutley nothing and when I make a threat I always follow through on it.

As a gesture of goodwill, or just to buy my silence, how about a discount on the 2005 Rockall Shirt hey? I can buy one on the street outside my cardboard box here in Shanghai, they promise me it is genuine and they are offering it at a very convincing price. The ball is in your court.

Yours Truly

Heng Li

Hmmm. For the record, the Guardian contacted us about possible use of a Rockall pic, but then fell strangely silent when we offered one of our Rockall Ho! offerings (either 2003 or 2005).

There are two possible explanations for this rather rude behaviour: 1) That the pictures were not of the required standard for the paper's exciting new all-colour format; 2) That use of said photographs would have required the Guardian to mention The Rockall Times by name.

Whatever the truth, we hereby declare that we will not in future be entertaining any correspondence regarding Rockall photos from any representative of the UK's print media, and that unauthorised use of said material will result in a visit by a delegation from Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey public house backed up by crack team of street-fighting copyright lawyers. Consider yourselves warned.

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