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  Monday 31st October 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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by How Tenji

Amid a hurricane-driven tsunami of criticism from NGOs and the Government of Pakistan at the paucity of aid to the earthquake survivors still recovering from the natural disaster which recently rocked that sun-kissed paradise, The Rockall Times dispatched a reporter to interview the Secretary of State for International Development. We met the Minister together with a Civil Service minder in his office in Whitehall.

How Tenji: Mr Benn, thank you for agreeing to speak to The Times at such short notice.

Hilary Benn: Delighted, delighted. To be honest It makes a nice change to have someone take a bit of notice.

HT: Quite so. Now, minister...

HB: Please call me Hilary.

HT: Are you sure?

HB: Yes, yes, can't stand all that nonsense.

HT: OK, Hilary... no look it's not going to work, I can't call you by a girl's name, it's just silly.

HB: Fair enough. Call me Sir.

HT: Right Sir, aid to Pakistan, looks like a bit of a fiasco to me. What's the Government line?

HB: Fiasco? You surprise me. What makes you say that?

HT: Well, NGOs are saying the aid is too little too late.

HB: I can't see how that can be, we have strict criteria for awarding aid which we followed to the letter.

HT: So what do you take into account? The number of people effected? Severity of disaster? Level of urgency with which the aid is required?

HB: No, it is much more complicated than that.

HT: Sorry Sir, I am going to have to ask you to explain.

HB: Well, the first thing is to make our award of aid compatible with our equal opportunities programme. We must be absolutely sure that our aid programme is compatible with all other governmental policies.

HT: And how is that achieved?

HB: In a number of ways but firstly we use a colour chart. It is the same chart we use to monitor our equal opportunities employment policies.

HT: I'm not with you there, Sir.

HB: Well, we need to know the racial group of the job applicant. We used to ask people to state ethnic origin but after a group of Jedi knights with Klingon mothers took us to Court we went over to a colour chart.

HT: I see.

HB: Yes, you know, you just compare the back of your hand to the colours on the chart and tick the closest match. Runs from "British and Proud of it" through "Touch of the tar brush" right down to "Black as the ace of…"

Civil Service Minder: (Cough) Er, excuse me Sir, (whispers) that is just department jargon. We have the approved names here. (Hands list to Secretary of State)

HB: Ah yes… er… "June Bride", "Light Malt", "Spiced Walnut", "Autumn Beech", "Café Moucha", "Ebony Mist" …you get the picture.

HT: How exactly does this work?

HB: Well, it's a simple points system; "June Bride" scores 10 and "Ebony Mist" scores one.

HT: Points mean prizes?

Minder: Er… I think the Minister is confusing our database coding with points.

HB: Am I?… yes… I suppose I must be.

HT: So you categorise by colour? Anything else?

HB: For jobs you mean? Well Eton, Harrow, Ox…

HT: No, I mean overseas aid.

HB: Ah, well, lingo obviously comes into it.

HT: You are going to have to explain that as well, Sir.

HB: Well if they don't speak English how can we be expected to know what they want?

HT: Fascinating. Anything else?

HB: Well, yes, holiday destination can be quite important too.

HT: What, you mean where the victims went on holiday?

HB: No, no, whether they live in a familiar holiday destination. Feeds into quality of television coverage. You see, if the victims can speak English and are filmed against familiar holiday landmarks then public sympathy goes through the roof. Plenty of votes per relief pound.

HT: Talk me through some recent disasters. The Asian Tsunami?

HB: Well an interesting example. Scored low on the colour chart but made up points on the holiday destination and speaking English tests — public sympathy was sky-high. Couldn't do enough for them.

HT: New Orleans?

HB: Well, maximum points all round — once we stopped filming in the town itself. Didn't need any aid, rich as Creosus, but we had to be seen to pitch in.

HT: …and Pakistan?

HB: Well there you are, you see; colour a bit dark, can't understand a word they say and who in their right mind would go there on holiday?

HT: So any tips if I was thinking of having a disaster?

HB: Language is good, play down the Asian connection, unless you can move to a palm-tree lined beach location and stay out of the sun.

HT: Thank-you Minister, most helpful. I think we may file this under Yeast Logic.

Minder: Christ! I thought he was with The Times not those half-wits from Rockall. Sorry Minister, I'll have him investigated by the Immigration & Nationality Directorate. With a name like that we should be able to fast-track the bugger onto a plane to Bongo Bongo land...

Previously

 Go on then, hard man