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Trawl Rockall for:

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Brit smokers plan defection to crack cocaine

The Government's long drawn out campaign to ban smoking in public places such as restaurants and bars ground to a nicotine-free halt last week as cross-party opinion deemed the measures unworkable and in danger of creating a "Nanny State".

Former Health Secretary John Reid is continuing to push forward on plans to ban the foul weed in all pubs, clubs, restaurants and, in general, places where the public may congregate. Bus queues, public bogs, footpaths and beaches, desolate cliffs and headlands, outer space and your own front room have all been mooted as coming under the umbrella of the ban.

Mr Reid's successor, Patricia Hewitt, fears the ban will actually lead to an increase in smoking in some licensed premises since it allows the continued use of gaspers where no food is served.

So, what does the future hold for the plethora of law-abiding smokers in the UK and how will their normal humdrum lives be made even more mundane? Our health correspondent Jeremy Serviette surveyed a cross section of smokers, including the author of this article, on how they saw the ban affecting their puffing pastime.

Do you see the ban as a good thing or a bad thing?

Good thing — 22%
Bad thing — 66%
Don't know — 4%
Neither know nor care — 8%

Do you consider this ban as being indicative of Blair's Nanny State?

Yes — 72%
No — 14%
Couldn't give a toss — 14%

Would you adhere to the ban in public places for the benefit of non-smokers?

Yes — 8%
No — 44%
What's in it for me? — 48%

Does this ban encourage you to give up?

Yes — 2%
No — 34%
Yes, but I will probably start taking Class-A drugs instead — 64%

So there you have it, 64 per cent of the smokers interviewed stated that the ban will have a colossal impact on them as they are forced, instead of smoking fags, to take Class-A drugs such as heroin, crack cocaine and/or Kate Moss. This has long been a warning from the boffins at The Rockall Times where good sense has often prevailed.

Cheery landlord Vince at Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey last night slated the ban as "a malodorous sack of bat guano that has been hurried through to placate one or two lefty pinko tree huggers. No thought has gone into how this ban will affect honest publicans like me. It'll ruin my trade. I've smoked eighty a day since I was thirteen and it's done me no harm," he concluded as he huffed and puffed his way into the cellar to replace a barrel of Olde Wifebeater.

"Too bloody true, " added Dwayne, a nineteen-year-old regular, as he lit up another Chinese counterfeit Benson & Hedges and slung a quid in the "Emphysema Express" fruit machine. "My old Nan smoked all her life and we only planted her last year at the ripe old age of 48."

Previously

• Policy announcement: Smoking
• Mysterious illnesses still afflict Irish pubgoers
• Government bans smoking gun adverts