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  Monday 31st October 2005  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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UK football stars 'couldn't score in a brothel'

Where did it all go wrong for Britain's brightest talents?
by Karl Laycock

The recent allegations surrounding Cristiano Ronaldo are just the latest entry in professional football's sordid catalogue of sexual misdemeanours. From the hiring of prostitutes to gang rapes, the scandals seem never-ending. The great British public have been left shocked and stunned. Why is it that Premiership stars, with their washboard stomachs and seven figure salaries, just can't seem to pull?

We live in a promiscuous age. Every weekend Britain's towns play host to a Bacchanalian orgy of drink, drugs, sex and doner kebabs. From spotty shop assistants on minimum wage, to frail and pasty computer geeks still living with their mum, soft lighting and beer goggles help most revellers to get laid on a regular basis. Whether being ridden by a fat slapper in a nightclub toilet or smoked off by a drunken slut in a dimly-lit car park, Britain's youth have little trouble sowing their seed.

Amidst this uncontrolled depravity, the professional footballer lurks unseen in the shadows. These shy, retiring creatures quietly sip their orange juices, as their heads fill with lust and their balls fill with semen. Eventually the loneliness and frustration get the better of them and they do something stupid, like forcibly deflowering an innocent young maiden or signing up for Celebrity Love Island.

Perhaps the pressures of the modern game are to blame. The discipline and demands of a footballing education mean that many adolescents are missing out on those crucial moments of sexual self discovery, ie downloading internet porn, watching late night foreign films with a box of Kleenex, or shooting their load into a warm apple pie.

The thinking girl's footballer, Wayne Rooney, was in agreement: "I was never actually that bright at school. I could never get my head round Maxwell's theory of electromagnetism or tell my numerators from my denominators, so I spent all my spare time playing football. While I was working on my left foot, my school friends were working on their right wrists."

Bernard Manning: SpasticOthers believe that football's woes are symptomatic of a general decline throughout society. Alternative comedian and respected social commentator, Bernard Manning, told The Rockall Times: "George Best would be turning in his grave if they hadn't given him that transplant, but it's not just football, the whole country's fuc*ked. Sperm counts are down, the papers are full of perverts, paedophiles and carpet munchers. Take my granddaughter. In her class they've got kids with nut allergies, gluten allergies, pollen allergies, dyslexia, anorexia, bulimia and hyperactivity... plus a spastic. If you find a normal kid it's a fuc*king miracle. The teachers are no better. If my dad had been signed off from Dunkirk with stress we'd all be eating sauerkraut and listening to David Hasselhoff".

Ronaldo is rumoured to be sweating over his numerous merchandising deals. Only last season, Rooney's indiscretions lead to him being dropped by Clark's from their "brothel creeper" advertising campaign.

Previously

 Girls! Have you had sex with a celebrity?