US spokesteen blasts clueless, monogamous parents

In an exclusive Rockall Times interview, this reporter interviewed sixteen-year-old MJC (name withheld) who characterizes herself as a "typical" American teenager. Parents of teenagers and others of a generally nervous disposition should be warned that the interview contains explicit references of a sexual nature.

Rockall Times: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Marina. Where are you off to right now?

MJC: Well, I told my Mom I'm going to crew practice, but my friends and me are going to hang at Dylan's house, 'cause his Mom's away.

RT: So you lied?

MJC: Sure. My Mom doesn't let me go to people's houses if there's no parents there. It's really stupid.

RT: I see. So you wouldn't have people over at your house because your mother is there?

MJC: Right. She won't let me have guys in my room, so what's the point? My guy friends don't want to come over to watch a movie or talk.

RT: Okay. What do they want to do?

MJC: (exasperated) Well, obviously, they want to hook up and have sex.

RT: Do you mean sexual intercourse?

MJC: Eww! No! We just make out and I give them a blowjob or jerk them off. I only fuc*k them if I'm drunk.

RT: And your mom feels this behavior is unacceptable?

MJC: Too right! She says my friends and me are "slutty". She says lying and sneaking around are wrong, too, but she's stupid. If everyone does it, it can't be wrong.

RT: Maybe it's okay to some teens, but surely there must be other kids who aren't doing what you and your friends do.

MJC: Yeah, but who the fuc*k wants to hang around with those losers?

RT: Do you ever feel that you're, maybe, a little young to handle sex and liquor?

MJC: Hell, no! Thirteen is the perfect age to start hooking up, and fourteen is just right to start crunking vodka. My mom didn't have sex 'til she was eighteen and she only had, like, three different guys her whole life. How pathetic is that?

RT: So I guess that means you've had more than three sexual partners?

MJC: Well, I only fuc*ked three guys, at least in the last few months, but I hooked up with a lotta friends.

RT: Marina, tell me about this website, MySpace.com.

MJC: Yeah, she's on my ass about that too. MySpace is this cool site where you put pictures of yourself looking really whory and you hook up with people.

RT: But isn't it true that there's no monitoring of who's on MySpace?

MJC: Huh?

RT: Can't someone say that they're seventeen when they're really much older?

MJC: I don't know. I only talk to people who are seventeen.

RT: How do you know?

MJC: 'Cause they TOLD ME!

RT: But isn't most of the interaction on the site about sex?

MJC: Well, yeah. It's not like I'm gonna ask my mom about blowjobs. She probably doesn't even know how to do it right. I need to find out from other girls so I can be popular and my guy friends will recommend me for hooking up with their friends.

RT: And you don't understand why your mom gets upset?

MJC: Nah. She's old-fashioned and doesn't understand about being cool. She thinks having a "reputation" is a bad thing. I gotta get to Dylan's. They probably started the strip Madden Football and shooters without me.

Previously

• MySpace.com: The internet's dark, moist heart
• Click here to combat teen pregnancy
• Revealed: The shocking state of British virgins