Rockall menaced by ecopower development

In a Rockall exclusive we can today reveal that our sacred islet will be torn screaming from its current natural paradise-like splendour and transmogrified into the largest power-producing edifice in Europe, nay the world.

The secret Dti map shown below, uncovered by our crack team of undercover illegal immigrant cleaning staff on short-term Whitehall contracts, clearly shows our hallowed isle's favourable mean wave heights and correspondingly crucial location for eco friendly wave energy power generation. Accompanying government memos describe how the surrounding sea-scape will be turned into a huge power station linked to a hub on Rockall and wired back to the national grid via a chain of jump leads bought on special offer from Halfords.

The accompanying notes make grim reading for the future of Rockall:

1. Compulsory purchase car park of the Fighting Dog and Pikey public House for £4.57 and erect enormous yet breathtakingly ugly substation.
2. Build humungous grid of ecologically friendly bamboo poles radiating in all directions from the island to a distance of approximately 10 nautical miles, or whatever the contractors can be bothered with.*
3. Nail buoyant screaming asylum seekers at five metre intervals along all bamboo poles.**
4. Harness resulting "bobbing" motion to produce electricity.***
5. Fulfil Kyoto obligations (see above).****
6. Win next election (see above).
7. Get knighthood.

Explanatory notes:

* Bamboo sourced from Panda forest areas in China, their officials tell us it's from sustainable harvesting, which is good enough for us, blind eye turned and no further questions asked, matey.
** Will simultaneously solve asylum-seeking immigrant problem by co-locating horde influx processing centre with power station in middle of nowhere.
*** Albanian paedophiles who swam from their homeland to Italy before arriving in UK are generally the most buoyant as they've already had plenty of practice bobbing in the med.
**** Will generate up to 140 Terawatts of power (100 times more that the star ship Enterprise) and reduce UK Carbon Dioxide emissions by 50,000,000,000 tons per year.

Public opinion in the Fighting Dog and Pikey public house is characteristically and understandably vehement. A spittle-lathered spokesdrunk opined: "We only have three valuable resources, and now the thieving buggers in Westminster want to blag the lot.

"First there's guano that's already processed and sold by the ton as high Nitrate content powder to militant towel-heads for hard cash. Then there's world-leading satire that we export freely and enthusiastically as a public service worldwide. Now they want to take our waves and saddle us with the asylum seeker problem as well, the bas*tards."

Previously

• Alternative energy: The future is coming, soon
• Global warming: It's worse than we thought
• Howard goes for jugular with Rockall immigrant camp plan