Feds bust Rockall American Bureau Chief

In a stunning, pre-dawn raid, the FBI, the CIA Homeland Security, and the Fashion Police raided a quiet home in a well-to-do suburb of Philadelphia on Sunday morning. Their target was the intrepid American Bureau Chief of The Rockall Times, Regina Marracco.

J. Edgar Hoover IV, the Senior Agent (SAG) of the FBI, issued a terse "No Comment" when asked why the reporter's home was raided, but listed in the official documents were several recent Rockall Times articles critical of the U.S. Government, and the Vice President. A CIA agent drinking a cup of coffee in Ms. Marracco's kitchen, who refused to divulge his name, stated "Karl Rove has determined that this woman is an 'Enemy of the State' and a 'Threat to National Security'." He went on to add that "while some people, mainly liberal Democrats, think her stuff is funny, the Vice President was not amused."

The search warrant resulted in no "smoking gun". The most controversial item seized was the writer's Rampant Rabbit, which she identified as her "muse"." Notebooks and tapes had apparently been shredded hours before the raid, leading to speculation that she was tipped off in advance. She commented: "My sources are sacrosanct" and, defiantly: "The Vice President IS a lousy dresser."

Officials on the scene admitted that Ms. Marracco's news stories more often than not were "on the mark" and "hurt a lot of people's feelings". Further, the fact that her stories appear in a respected British news source "pisses a lot of American elected officials off". Rumors that the CIA had asked for assistance from MI6 to dispose of Ms. Marracco could not be verified. It was confirmed, however, that a prominent Senator from Pennsylvania had made a voodoo doll of the reporter after a recent Rockall Times article painted him in an unfavorable light. In addition, badly-dressed FBI agents joked that she should be shipped off to Gitmo to "get the facts straight on hunger strikes" or "put under protective custody by the New Orleans police department".

Wiretaps of Ms. Marracco's phones yielded innocuous, boring chats with friends, although her daughter earned a 30-day grounding as a result of one transcript which clearly showed that "Pete's parents were not home during that party". A thorough search of her vehicle produced several unpaid parking tickets, fast food wrappers and empty cigarette packs. The wrappers have been forwarded to the FBI lab in Quantico for analysis and possible invisible ink messages. The agencies are seeking legal advice from the Justice Department as to whether she can be compelled to have a lung x-ray. A thorough search of her computers turned up nothing more damaging than a proclivity for surfing satire sites.

Although Ms. Marracco's reporting clearly showed "insider" information, such as Mr. Libby's pet name, Scootster, and private information about President Bush's relationship with God, the raid came up empty, and disappointed officials had to return to Washington and tell Vice President Cheney.

His Popiness, Benny XVI, who also has a hard-on for the Rockall Times' pundit, invoked a special blessing prior to the raid via satellite.

Previously

• Bush and God: Bosom buddies
• Washington pundits rocked by 'Mushroom Card' rumpus
• Supreme Court nominee provokes illiberal kerfuffle