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  Monday 7th November 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Ethnics tear France for arse paper

Marauding Darkies threaten democracy
by Greg Doublewank

Honest, law abiding white Frenchies have spent the last couple of weeks battening down the hatches and checking their car insurance policies for protection against "torching by marauding Darkies" after bands of ethnics tore hundreds of towns and hamlets for arse paper in the sort of mindless violence not seen since the original Bastille Day.

Police say the unrest started after two youths ran off after being challenged by officers for a routine identity card check and beating. The youngsters fled into an electrical substation and in an apparent show of disdain for law and order, electrocuted themselves to death.

French riot police responded to this act of aggression by firing teargas into a mosque that was handily around the corner. Tens of copies of the Koran are reported to have been scuffed underfoot during the ensuing stampede, something a leading Muslim cleric condemned as "a damn shame".

Hundreds of youths have since then taken to the streets across France, to show their contempt for the authorities. Cars have been burnt, shops looted and missiles thrown at police who are struggling to maintain order between three-hour meal breaks.

French Interior Ministry spokesfrog, Jacques Tatti, said this unrest was due to "the ethnic element of poor disaffected suburbs" and that "the police have my backing to restore order in any way they see fit".

Scenes like these are rare in France, where the diverse populations usually live in peace and Gallic tranquillity. Naturally, other heads of state, particularly Lord Blair of All the Englands and G Bush esq. of The US of Arse, are worried that unrest in Paris perpetrated by a smattering of Muslims is in fact a fresh campaign by al-Qaeda to destabilise the West. Offers of support from these leaders include carpet-bombing of Paris by B52s, submarine launched Cruise Missile strikes on the Algerian Quarter and the forced removal of the rioters "back to where they bloody well came from".

It is not yet known whether the French have accepted any of these selfless offers of assistance, but their own measures include halting deliveries of dates, couscous and goat meat to the area, banning the wearing of towels on heads and piping the Marseillaise through loud speakers 24 hours a day around the affected areas. French Army units have been put on a heightened state of alert to run away at a moment's notice.

France's best new chums, ze Germans, have offered their own unique assistance in the shape of a set of measures dubbed simply "Blitzkrieg". The only request they have made is that French Army puts up a better show of it this time round, but M. Tatti has admitted that plausible organised resistance to men in tanks is "impossible to promise".

Previously

 Go on then, hard man