Tory leadership battle in final breathless fling

As the hotly-contested race to elect David Cameron to the Tory party leadership gathers pace and the nation waits transfixed by the colossal intellectual scrap taking place between the contenders, The Rockall Times examines the questions the public are clamouring for answers to. For instance, "Who are the Tories?", "How long has David Cameron been a deranged coke fiend?" and "This leadership stuff is all very well, but just how does Michael Portillo get his hair so lustrous and wavy?"

Public opinion suggests that the Conservatives are a party in terminal decline, their loyal electorate eroded to such an extent that it only includes those people living in Surrey, Kent, Sussex and others from a place known as the "Countryside" (providing this is south of Swindon, of course). This is all set to change however, when the latest leadership hopeful seizes the reins of power from Michael Howard’s wizened and cadaverous hands. As former challenger Dr Liam Fox is sent chastised back to his constituency and his lucrative Sunday evening chart rundown show, we take a closer look at the two remaining candidates and what they have to offer.

The Tory party membership will now have the highly envious task of deciding between addled coke-addict and youthful bed-wetter David "Fancy an ounce, guv?" Cameron, and the imaginatively named, bulbous-nosed exponent of exciting oratory, David D Davis. His middle initial of D stands for David, of course.

Both men come from very different social backgrounds, Cameron having experienced the harshness of childhood deprivation. Dragged up by his struggling parents, his father was reduced to supporting the family through the meagre and immoral earnings of stockbroking, able only to afford a hovel in Esher with a mere 10 acres, which was only just enough space for the ponies to exercise in.

So perilous did his parents' situation become, that they could no longer make ends meet and were forced to send young David away for his schooling at a little known backwater comprehensive called Eton. Cameron knew immediately that he was not like the other boys, mainly because he didn't own any Labrador dogs and because they had names like Benedict, Tobias and Alasdair. Hard decisions followed his arrival as he grappled with his conscience over whether to winter in Val D'Isere or Klosters. An unremarkable stint at Brasenose College, Oxford (Polytechnic) then set him up for his early entry into politics and an ensuing Tory metrosexual lifestyle.

David Davis, on the other hand, knew only a life of opulence and privilege during his formative years. Given the exclusive attention of one of his parents, his mother was wealthy enough to eschew the normal working life, instead devoting herself to David's upbringing and the weekly giro. School was seen as an unnecessary trifle to such a brilliant prodigy, but university beckoned and he was the envy of his affluent Tooting neighbourhood as he moved up to the thriving metropolis of Warwick to attend the university there, believed by many to academically eclipse both Oxford and Cambridge. Afterwards he moved into the sugar business working for Tate & Lyle, his salary boosted by massive bonuses relative to the increasing number of children with rotting teeth. A career in politics soon beckoned, and the rest is Conservative Party folklore.

So there we have it, the two leadership candidates. But just who will win? It's now up to the party membership to face the difficult decision between David Cameron and David Cameron, with spellbound pundits predicting the result as too close to call.

Previously

• Man hospitalised by Tory leadership battle
• Tory leadership race moves into overdrive
• Middle England™ warms to Ken Clarke