Al-Qaeda slammed for special needs outrage

In a legal coup not seen since the "Untouchables" trapped Al Capone for tax evasion, US Security Services stated today that they would be able to indict Osama Bin Laden and other senior al-Qaeda members on failing to comply with recognised international human resource practices.

"All their suicide bombers are young males of the same ethnic extraction," said Hamilton P Wenkelberger, a HR specialist in Langley, Virginia. "There are never any women, Caucasian or elderly in the ranks of al-Qaeda. And when was the last time you saw a suicide bomber in a wheelchair? It's official, they're sexist, racist, ageist and inordinately prejudiced against special needs, and it's time we did something about it."

"Our hands are tied," complained Mohammed al Sami, al-Qaeda's Regional HR Director, based in southern Afghanistan, on hearing of the charges. "Most of our recruits tend to come from backgrounds where they have witnessed the spread of Zionist Tyranny throughout the Middle East, with the spread of explicit US Imperialism leading to the denial of the creation of Palestine, erosion of fundamental rights such as the right to self expression, practice religion and to blow up invading neo-colonialist forces. We can't find too many old white women who subscribe to that view, hence most of our recruits are swarthy men who can walk unaided."

"To be fair," continued al Sami, "we did run a gender and diversity course a couple of years ago but it wasn't particularly well attended. The timing wasn't particularly clever as I think the Americans had just taken Baghdad at the time and most of our staff were busy.

"We also had arguments with the finance officers of our sister organisations in Jordan and Syria about internal recharge and travel costs. That may sound petty, but hey, we're on a budget, and someone has to buy the tea and biscuits for these workshops otherwise the attendees complain."

"Citing insufficient fiscal resources is no protection from prosecution," countered Wenkelberger. "Mr bin Laden can expect a writ through the post on Monday."

Previously

• That new UK terror law: What every parent should know
• Al-Qaeda flees uk
• War on Terror™ update: You're all going to die and so are your kids