'Sensless' Java bombing a 'despicable' act of 'pure evil'

Malaysian terrorist Azahari Husin has caused drinkers around the world to order another beer by triggering a bomb that killed three in the resort town of Batu, Indonesia. Journalists in East Java who heard the bomb could be seen scanning their thesauri for alternatives to overused adjectives such as "senseless", "despicable" and "pure evil" as they sought to get copy in to their editors before the evening deadline.

Editors the world over were quickly inundated with copy about this beastly, contemptible, odious act and were furiously editing away, literally spitting with fury as they struggled to convey their dismay at such an abhorrent, villainous and reprehensible act.

As the search for new adjectives began to give birth to readable copy that was not obviously lifted from reportage of previous accursed, vicious and loathsome acts of terrorism, a second wave of copy began to arrive. This was to throw editors the world over into a frenzied mixture of indecision, relief and regret that now they would have to work through happy hour that evening.

Each editor was simultaneously struck by the possibility that they could now understand what an Orwellian experience was, as in an instant their consumptive mood of rage and exasperation became a human-interest mood of optimism and cheer. The latest copy to arrive had added an important detail to earlier reports of the explosion. That being that while the explosion had been triggered by a suicide bomber, the victims had been his accomplices rather than innocent civilians enjoying a cheeky week of cheap lager and pretty local girls, as has been the case in the past with Indonesian terrorist attacks.

The terrorist mastermind had been running like a mange-ridden dog from special forces police, who were reported to have been spraying bullets in his direction and practicing Clint Eastwood's immortal line "do you feel lucky?" On seeing that there was no escape, the hateful enemy of the people reached for a nearby bomb, and was heard to chuckle to himself ironically "here's one I prepared earlier" before hugging his accomplices close and scattering their collective ingredients around a radius of some hundred or so metres.

The world has reacted to the news that one of the world's foremost terrorists is now being scrubbed out of cracks in a Javanese pavement with a collective sigh of glee not hmmmmmed since George Bush declared "Victory in Iraq" in 2003.

In related news, the PM of Australia has single-handedly prevented a major terrorist attack on a major city. He took extreme measures such as asking MPs to work through a weekend and suggesting that the public should trust him, and has rounded up a gang of would-be bombers in the early hours of a morning last week. The police also seized an arsenal of household chemicals, which the plotters were allegedly planning to use to blow a train station into the air.

In order to be able to defeat this brewing menace the John Howard rushed through legislation granting extra powers to law enforcement authorities. Despite their apparent success with the thwarting of plans to build and trigger bombs with the aim of killing and maiming innocent people, some were not convinced. The troublesome left in Australia had stuck to their policy of distrust of power and auto-reflexively criticising any government in power.

True to form they have had their say, criticising the government of being "criminal" and accusing the PM of "endangering the security" of Australia. They also called the reforms an "affront to freedom and the Australian way of life".

Previously

• Suicide bomber decimates London radio station
• Palestinian bomb cat picture shocks civilised world
• Unexpected outbreak of news catches media on the hop