USS George W Bush hits stormy seas

The US Navy's latest supercarrier is plagued by faults, according to an anonymous source at the Pentagon. Kurt Dougmore told The Rockall Times: "You wouldn't believe the problems we've had with the USS George W Bush since the sea trials started."

"What sort of problems?" I asked as we sat eating supersized freedom fries in the Pentagon's Spies'n'Fries cafe.

"Well, for a start all our other carriers are nuclear-driven meaning they can stay at sea for years at a time, delivering US-style democracy at the barrel of a gun wherever it's needed. The Dubya is oil-powered and has to refuel every three days."

"Anything else?"

"The Dubya is the slowest ship in the US Navy — it's even slower than the USS Ronald Reagan. Also, it can't turn. In fact, we've had to resort to sending two ocean-going tugs with it wherever it goes just to keep it from colliding with large objects like Iraq. But even the tugs — the USSVs Dick Cheney and Condoleeezza Rice have their problems — the Cheney always pulls to the right and the Rice doesn't seem to have enough power to alter the Dubya's direction at all."

"Sounds bad, but I bet the Dubya's got some bitching computer on board," I opined.

"That's the worst of it, the computers are so slow that it takes them 24 hours just to respond to an emergency stop command. The Dubya just runs on and on into disaster after disaster."

At this stage I left the Pentagon and thanked God that the Royal Navy's latest ship, the HMS New Labour, would never have these difficulties.

Previously

• Condoleezza Rice Crew in Sudan security rumpus
• Hey George, where you goin' with that iPod in your hand?
• The race is on for US Presidential Election 2008™