Britain rocked by Jordan terror attacks

Last week Britain's tabloid reading public were shocked and stunned to hear reports of al-Qaeda attacks on Jordan. As the hours passed millions anxiously awaited news of their favourite foul-mouthed, surgically-enhanced glamour model. Eventually young Ms Price was snapped by paparazzi in a drunken fist fight with a kebab shop owner in Romford. The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief, amidst scenes of public celebration not witnessed since Alan Bradley's fatal tram accident in Blackpool.

Jordan's modelling agency, Touch Wood Entertainment, was quick to issue a statement: "For international terrorism to target Jordan is an absolute outrage. Katie is far too relaxed, fun loving, and above all stupid, to become embroiled in matters of religion or politics. It's always been her wish to bring people together, regardless of colour or creed, in admiration of her enormous artificial udders."

The loveable exhibitionist appeared confused when facing the assembled press: "I don't know what's going on. I aint never done nuffin to no-one. These crazy bastards are just jealous of my freedom and values." The Rockall Times contacted a number of her ex-partners, who all confirmed that Jordan is indeed "extremely free", but of "little value".

The Sun has already signed an exclusive deal with Jordan for a centrefold spread under the heading "Jordan's bin-over-Laden". Many see this as vulgar profiteering but the paper's excitable editor, Rebekah "Basher" Wade, eloquently defended the deployment of Jordan's WMCs (Weapons of Mass Circulation): "The girl's a national institution. Those filthy towelheads targeted England's premier piece of minge, so we're giving our readers the chance to stick two fingers up."

Locals in Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey were largely in agreement. One regular remarked: "If she doesn't go back to degrading herself for large sums of money then the fundamentalists have won. I say let the girl concentrate on what she does best: celebrity parties, shagging and shopping."

Tony Blair, no less, has described the bottle blonde bombshell as "an inspiration and national treasure", and invited Jordan for a private meeting at Downing Street. Afterwards an almost visibly moved Ms Price revealed: "He's a lovely man. He said the nicest things that anyone's every told me with my clothes on". One journalist commented that Jordan "had clearly been touched by the PM", which caused her to kick him in the groin.

Security forces have yet to decide on their response to the attacks, although proposed restrictions on entering Jordan have been dismissed as unworkable. However, the authorities have assured The Rockall Times that precautions are being taken. We can exclusively reveal that Abi Titmuss has been driven to a secure location, accompanied by three policemen, a fireman, a nun, a dozen cans of squirty cream and a cocker spaniel called Rascal.

Previously

• Sun ed barred from Rockall boozer
• Jordan prepped for 'Love Island' airdrop
• Hurley/Jordan in celebrity reproductive organs shocker