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  Monday 14th November 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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NASA over the Moon at McCartney space gig

Plans further extraterrestrial pop stunts
by John Glenn

So successful did Paul McCartney's live broadcast to the International Space Station prove on Sunday that NASA this morning confirmed it is planning a list of similarly pointless spectacles designed to demonstrate that the arts and space exploration can indeed live in television-friendly harmony.

Chris Martin: Venus-boundNASA Astronaut Bill McArthur and Russian Cosmonaut Valery Tokarev enjoyed a performance of Good Day Sunshine live from Anaheim, California, during which thousands of whooping fans saluted the intrepid space jockeys with a selection of banners reading "Go Space!", "Get In The Hole!" and "Take My Tax Dollars And Fly Me To The Moon! Yay!"

Indeed, in the immediate aftermath of the melodic uplink — shown to an estimated audience of two — NASA rushed to unveil a veritable cosmodrome of publicity-boosting stunts, including:

  • A zero-grav Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson Superbowl thriller from low-Earth orbit featuring the talented black chanteuse ripping open her space suit to reveal a tattoo of Neil Armstrong on one bobbling dug, and Buzz Aldrin on the other.
  • A Michael Jackon "Moonwalk of Hope" commencing with the child-loving star locked in a Lunar lander for three months with twenty 12-year-old fans and culminating in a performance of Gary Glitter's Do you wanna be in my gang? beamed direct from the Moon's surface to millions of fans worldwide.
  • A faster-than-light experimental Rolling Stones concert in which the rock legends will be blasted to the far side of the sun and back again in a journey lasting twenty years. Experts hope that Einstein's predictions concerning time and space will see an unchanged Mick Jagger emerging from the vessel in 2025 still warbling Jumping Jack Flash while shagging some Brazilian model senseless.
  • A special collector's edition Bjüork CD hewn from solid gold and bearing the image of the elfin wailer to be carried by photon-powered vessel to the farthest regions of the galaxy in the hope that any alien species encountering it will think twice about invading Earth with advanced technology against which Earth has little defence — save devastating Icelandic sonic weapons.

NASA also confirmed it intends to send Coldplay frontman Chris Martin to Venus in 2008 where the Paltrow-friendly crooner will attack a specially-designed piano and relay his own particular brand of thoughtful melancholy via an MTV deep-space relay station. Regarding concerns that the highly-talented Martin stands little chance of surviving the incredible Venusian surface temperatures and pressures, a NASA spokesman told The Rockall Times: "Yes, that's right. We're trying to persuade Bono to go, too."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man