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  Monday 14th November 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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US prez blasts Rockall Times

Not a happy bunny
by Regina Marracco

Tobyhanna, Pennsylvania — Speaking at a Veterans Day rally in tiny Tobyhanna, Pennsylvania, where all seventeen registered voters are Republican, Born Again Christians, President George W. Bush lambasted critics of the war in Iraq, saying "While it's perfectly legitimate to criticize my conduct of the war, The Rockall Times has no goldarn right to rewrite the history of why I started the war in the first place."

He went on to say: "Democrats and anti-war critics, like The Rockall Times, are now claiming we manipulated the intelligence and misled the American public and Tony Blair about why we went to war. These baseless attacks send the wrong signal to our enemies, and make me look really stupid."

Democrats responded immediately, noting: "The Bush administration has consistently refused to provide any strategy for 'success in Iraq' as demanded by the American public." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told this reporter: " The president is using Veterans Day and the good folks in Tobyhanna to try and bolster his plummeting approval rating."

Bush reiterated his position that America must continue the war to prevent Iraq from becoming a "failed state" and top vacation destination for terrorists to "launch attacks on the U.S. and her allies", planned in newly-built, state-of-the-art conference centers financed by cronies of the Vice President. He went on to "play the Mushroom card" again, alluding to a letter written on the Republic of Niger stationery by Ayman al-Zawahiri — the New and Improved Osama bin Laden™ — calling Iraq the "central front in their war against non-Muslims". If the terrorists force America out of Iraq, the president warned, "they could develop weapons of mass destruction, intimidate Middle East regimes friendly to the West, attack the United States, and screw up Halliburton's profits big time."

Comparing the terrorists to Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot, Bush said: "Evil men obsessed with ambition and unburdened by conscience must be stopped; all except for Dick Cheney."

The president went on to criticize the media, citing The Rockall Times in particular, for suggesting that the Iraq invasion has strengthened the terrorists. "No act of ours invited the retribution of murderers," he assured the press. "We are implementing a strategy of "clear, hold and build." When National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley whispered to the president that that was, in fact, his strategy for Texas Hold'Em at Karl Rove's weekly poker game, Bush clarified his statement, saying: "I will continue to talk to the American people about our holy war on terror, the despicable nature of our enemy, and what is at stake financially for some high-ranking officials."

After the president's speech, a senior White House officials told The Rockall Times that they were planning a campaign to respond to the public outcry that the Administration manipulated intelligence in making the case for invading Iraq. A dramatic statement by the president that Iraq was planning on selling some weapons of mass destruction to al-Qaeda, based on a letter from Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi to Scooter Libby on Republic of Niger stationery appears to have been bogus. However, the Administration asserts that the intelligence used to support the invasion had been developed "from lots of sources".

Previously

 Go on then, hard man