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37m viewers pile into Sharon Osborne

A record number of people — 37 million at time of going to press — have complained about Sharon Osborne to ITV, Ofcom, the Vatican, Bono and Kofi Annan in the past two days. On Saturday night, having already endured two hours of X Factor and the grotesque mid-Atlantic mutant that is Sharon Osborne, viewers were expected to countenance Madonna-bothering Michael Parkinson for an entire programme as well.

The National Grid reported a massive surge shortly after Parkinson concluded his interview with Guy Ritchie's transvestite wife. A spokessparky today said: "We expect the surge came as a result of people filling their baths full of water, climbing in and then knocking a light or a radio into the bath with them. It's not a pretty way to go but I sympathise completely. I would have done the same but I've been cut off."

Mrs Michael Jordan of the Diocesan Office of The Church of England in Leeds said — in an exclusive to The Rockall Times: "If I had to choose between Sharon Osborne and Madonna? I think I'd rather drink cocktails 'round Michael Barrymore's pool again. I think it's cruel and unusual of ITV to expect anyone to have to witness those two old scrotes ever again."

Even members of Rockall's vibrant and burgeoning gay community were quick to scotch rumours that the so-called women were influential and much-loved in the gay community. Sue Doku, a hardcore lezzer drinking in The Poof and Poet in Rockall's West End scoffed: "Them two? I'd rather iron me own legs than go anywhere near either of them. They're both far too masculine for me. And I once shagged a bird who was the spit of Lou Ferrigno."

In another bar along Rockall's Golden Mile, camp crimper Adrienne Bond cooed: "First of all, Black Sabbath were more gay than The Communards covering a Dionne Warwick song. I wish you lot in the media would stop suggesting that the talentless are gay icons. And Madonna? She can't sing, she can't act, she's deeply unattractive and the best song she's ever released is simply ABBA re-done by the chap who did the music to that Citroen advert with the dancing robot. There's only one person uglier than those two munters and that's Nancy Dancy Dell'Olio who, put bluntly, cannot be human."

Reports remain unconfirmed that for the launch of ITV's newest channel — ITV 5,6497,316 — viewers will be able to vote for who they would like to see voted into Clichy-sur-Bois wearing nothing but a white-hooded "I Heart Sarkozy" sweat shirt. So far those rumoured to be up for the programme include Carol Vorderman, Vernon Kay, Simon Cowell, President Tony Blair, Louis Walsh, the entire Osborne family, Madonna and Sven Goran Eriksson.

Previously

• TV's 'Spooks' slammed as racist
• Vanessa will host BBC celebrity colonic irrigation show
• Government to ban Mediawatch

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