Big Easy airlift alleviates UK 'slippery when wet' crisis

The 500,000 unregistered members of The British Association for Custodial Engineers breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the first Boeing Airbus of "Caution Floor Slippery" signs returned from Louisiana. Britain pledged 64,000 of the signs to help the massive clean-up effort after Mother Nature emptied her bowels onto New Orleans last August. The exercise was part of Whitehall's spasmodic "shoulder to shoulder" campaign of media shock and awe.

In unprecedented scenes at Rockall's Mildenhall air base, Health and Safety experts gingerly unloaded the Airbus before wrapping each sign in organic cotton wool for distribution to the UK's offices, stations, prisons, McDonald's restaurants, smoke-free pubs, shopping centres, public pools, Wetherspoons and beaches. Speaking at a press conference, Health and Safety expert and Rockall Times Health and Beauty correspondent Pete Doherty commented: "We felt lending the signs to our American cousins was a symbol. After all, Health and Safety practices were developed, nurtured and encouraged in the United States. We all have America to thank for the fact we now live in such a safe world. Poor sitting posture tends to round the spine, a proven medical condition known as lumbar lordosis. Or yes, slouching. Please have a leaflet."

"This is a great day for us," said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of only six members of The British Association for Custodial Engineers legally entitled to work in the UK. "We've been having to mop floors and polish surfaces and leave the public to their own devices since early September as we just haven't had any Caution Floor Slippery signs to spare. There are over 50,000 law suits pending from people who have slipped and fallen on a wet floor in a public place. And that's just in the last week."

Developed in the 1980s in Seattle, USofA by Microsoft's Bill Gates, Health and Safety has, literally and figuratively, swept across the Atlantic to the UK. Many people struggle to remember a world without Health and Safety. "It must have been terribly dangerous," said 19 year-old John Thomas Kuntz who sported a neck brace for his interview with The Rockall Times, "just in case."

"I can't imagine how dangerous the world would have been without 'caution hot liquid' stickers on workplace coffee points or 'caution — contains petrol' on nozzles in petrol station forecourts. People must have got themselves in all sorts of trouble before Health and Safety," continued Kuntz as he waited to hear from The BBC Weather Centre whether or not the pollen count was low enough for him to venture outside. "You'd be surprised how high the pollen rating can get. Even in mid-November."

All was not rubicund, however, as many of the signs are reported to have been "overextended" due to overenthusiastic New Orleans natives trying to use the robust molded-plastic placards as weapons with which to maim or kill fellow heroic Americans. There have also been reports of those continued to be left homeless by the disaster trying to eat the signs. One elderly American had to be treated for third degree burns after his exuberant attempts to conjugate with one of the plastic boards resulted in his bollocks catching fire. When ambulance crew arrived at the scene, the gentleman had a family of 13 gathered around him roasting soggy marshmallows despite his concentrated, prostrate protestations.

"We hope to have a ruling within the week on who is allowed to handle the imperfect signs," said Doherty. "Obviously we'll need a few committees to consider the matter and once they've been formed a few more sub-committees to decide upon those who can present seminars and round-table meetings at which this topic can be blue-skied. Keep in mind some of the signs have jagged bite-marks in them while others are covered in blood and guts. Some are covered in bodily fluids and are wetter than an otter's pocket. I'm not going anywhere fuc*king near them. Between you and me I think we'll end up shipping the whole lot straight over to Clichy-sur-Bois. Not my problem if the revolting wog frogs can't read English is it?"

Previously

• Tight neckties a health hazard report medical experts
• Millions at risk as iPod cancer panic sweeps planet
• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!