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  Monday 14th November 2005  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Tory dismay at Blair Commons rout

Second PM blow for desperate Conservatives
by Morello

Grassroots Conservative party members expressed dismay last week as their favoured Tory leadership candidate, Tony Blair, lost a crucial Commons vote which would have allowed the UK's security forces to detain shifty-looking ragheads for up to ten years — thereby allowing grub-loving Charles Clarke plenty of time to think up a good reason for having arrested them in the first place.

Charles Clarke: GrubThe disappointment comes hot-on-the-heels of another blow for Blairite Conservatives as the PM failed to make the shortlist for the man to lead the Tories triumphantly into the 20th century.

It may seem odd that so many rank-and-file Tories want a Labour PM as their new leader, but there is a lot to recommend him, as one Basingstoke member explained: "We need someone with experience, someone who appeals to the typical Tory voter. Tony appeals to Tory voters so much that most of them voted for him in the last two elections."

Opposition parties usually go through a fallow period, and often burn out their most talented leaders fighting elections they stand no chance of winning. During the Thatcher years the star qualities of Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock were completely wasted. More recently the Tories have seen the combined genius of William Hague, Michael Howard, and that other bloke, amount to nothing because the time wasn't right. "Labour needed someone like Tony Blair to swing things in their favour. Mow the tories need someone like Tony Blair to do the same thing for them. And who could be more like Tony Blair than... Tony Blair?"

A spokesman for the 19:22 committee shared the disappointment: "We shouldn't be afraid to have exactly the same policies as the Labour party. We are trying to attract exactly the same voters after all. Let's face it, MacDonalds and Burger King both sell burgers, because they know it is what their customers want. They aren't about to start making sub rolls or toasted deli sandwiches just to be different. But if BK could poach Ronald McDonald, do you think they wouldn't? Or deep fry him, I suppose."

But if both parties have the same policies, and the same leader, will it make any difference who is in power? Absolutely, say the 19:22 committee: "The most serious threat to this country, indeed the world, is the elephant in the room which nobody ever mentions. It isn't bird flu, or terrorism, or global warming, or hoodies. It is this one fact — if anything happened to Blair, John Prescott would be running the country."

There is a more cynical point of view. A senior Tory MP explains, "It is a name game. A blame game. A blame the name game. Do you think George Bush would have been elected if his name had been Beorge Gush? Of course not. Seventy-three per cent of Americans think that this George Bush is the same guy as the last George Bush, with a face lift and an older wife. They've already forgotten Clinton, or at least got him mixed up with that other blow-job guy in Four Weddings.

"The fact is, people don't want to waste their vote on a loser. A lot of people in this country recognise Blair. They might not like him, they might not even be totally sure who he is, but they vote for him because they know he is going to win anyway, and they want their vote to count for something. Are they really going to care that he has switched sides? Is anyone even going to remember who he stood for five years previously? The average man in the street is interested in politics, but he isn't obsessed by it."

A Downing Street source confirmed that Blair would have been keen to lead the Tory party. He confided: "By the next election, Tony will have spent three terms blaming the previous Conservative government for all the country's problems. He cannot carry on blaming them forever. As a new Tory PM, he would be able to blame the previous Labour government instead. And boy does he have some dirt to dish."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man