George Best's liver: Exclusive interview

Plus, Bestie's kidneys on taking the piss

by How Tenji

As the bedside vigil for the ailing ex-Manchester United and N. Ireland striker continued yesterday, we talked to some of those organs most deeply affected by the former footballer's lamentable demise.

Looking bloated and streaked with fatty deposits, George's replacement liver was quick to defend the ailing Irishman. "I'm not one to point the finger..." said the glistening offal in our exclusive interview, "...but his first liver wasn't good enough for him. A few decades of chronic alcoholism and it chucked it in. What sort of organ does that? What happened to lifetime commitment? Partnership? Loyalty? Answer me that! I'm only pleased I was here to step in and adopt him otherwise who knows what might have happened?"

Asked about the continuing alcoholism the hepatic spokesperson continued: "You have to get this in perspective, for the first thirty years of my life I survived on a diet of mineral water and weak tea. Believe me, George opened my eyes to a whole new side of life. Pity I can't remember much of it; but looking at the state I'm in he's keeping me pretty busy!"

George's kidneys, still recovering from a recent infection, were enraged to find the football legend had become the subject of heartless ridicule. "Taking the piss out of George is our job," they spluttered. "We have been doing it for 59 years and we don't need your help now." Calming slightly they began to reminisce: "In his younger days he used to knock back the ale, we could be shifting ten or twelve pints most evenings. Those were the days; Watney's Red Barrel, Double Diamond, Whitbread Trophy. We shifted more of that than most draymen! Latterly, of course, he moved on to spirits. They pose a different set of challenges for the renal specialist. You see, you still get the strong diuretic effect but without the volume of liquid to work with. Can be quite a strain to get a bladder-full some evenings. Mind you, if he finishes off with a coffee or a glass of water we can have him up and down five or six times in a night." They chuckle quietly at the memory.

Asked about George's longer-term health prospects the liver and kidneys spoke to us privately about the poor showing that the lungs had been making in recent days. "We are pretty pissed off," admitted the kidneys. "Us and his two livers have borne the brunt of his lifestyle for years. Those lungs have just come along for the ride — he only ever really used them when he was playing football the rest of the time all they had to deal with was a bit of fag smoke. And yet here they are choked with mucus, looking like they are going to let the whole side down. Do you know they have not turned up for a single training session in the past three seasons? No bloody wonder they are not up to the job."

"I can only speak for myself," said the right kidney in a private telephone conversation later in the day. "but I have put my CV into a few transplant services. I think it's time to move on. With my experience I could easily deal with the demands of your average punter. You know, sweet sherry before dinner, maybe a crème de menthe at Christmas. Treated gently I'm good for another thirty years. It would be strange to be parted from the left kidney, although to be honest we have been drifting apart recently; I have developed a taste for German opera but I can't hear it for the noise of the new liver and the left kidney listening to Katie Melua warbling about bicycles."

So, it looks like the winning team which has been George's viscera are preparing to break up and seek solo careers. We wish them well.

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George Best's liver: Exclusive interview

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