Government moots hi-tech approach to commuter safety

The government has decided upon a range of measures to make the capital's commuters feel safer in the wake of recent terrorist attacks. The radical proposals — formulated by a highly-paid team of transport policy pundits over three months in a five-star hotel in Central London — include:

• All train carriages to have a series of individual, manually controlled, doors that can be opened and closed at a moment's notice independent of the driver so allowing immediate evacuation by passengers should this be required required. These will be known as "slam-door" trains.
• All buses will have an open platform at the back so as to allow passengers to disembark speedily in the event of an emergency. These will be known as "Routemaster" buses.
• All private vehicles will be allowed to stop and wait by the roadside without being subject to parking fines while those inside move to a position of safety away from the vehicle. This manoeuvre will be known as "parking".

Reaction to the plan has been swift. A horrified safety expert told The Rockall Times: "The idea of opening up the back of a bus is simply incredible. It's an clear invitation to reckless kids to jump from moving vehicles into the path of oncoming traffic. Thousands could die, not to mention the catastrophic fiscal impact of allowing ticket-dodgers to exit the vehicle before the clippie gets to them."

London Mayor and dapper man about town Ken Livingstone has, however, spoken favourably about the proposed innovations, noting: "As long as the so-called "Routemaster" is bendy in the middle then I'm all for it." Livingstone went onto add that his support for a controversial Muslim cleric advocating the disembowelling of all homosexuals should not in any was be seen as in conflict with his longstanding desire to woo the vital gay vote — the so-called "bendy" demographic.

Previously

• Public rejoices at redefinition of rail travel paradigm
• Suspicious object causes London tube panic
• West Londoners back Ken's new tram route