Oz PM deports himself (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Australia's immigration laws, already among the toughest in the Western world, were set to be toughened to draconian levels last week only to be relaxed again as the Government backed down, causing the Opposition to charge that they had lost the ability to govern.

John Howard: Foam The story began last week when Prime Minister John Howard, apparently fed up with having to pretend he's a forward-thinking type of chap, suddenly shouted out in Parliament: "Out with all the immigrants! All in favour, say 'aye.' And no debates please, let's just get this thing done!"

Asked for comment, kangaroos in a field near Wollongong said they had no problem if the non-hopping types just buggered off and left them alone. "If Mr. Howard wants to kick himself out, that's fine by us," said a spokesroo. A spokesfellah for a visiting delegation of aboriginals immediately told the press he didn't know where they would go if such a law came to pass: "We've been here for 12,000 years and I doubt most of us even know where our families lived before that."

Meanwhile, Mr. Howard could not be interrupted from a long, scathing attack on the "rule of law" and how it slowed things down so much. "Tabling of bills, and second readings and all that sort of time-wasting twaddle," he fumed, as an assistant wiped the foam from his mouth. The comments of the aboriginals and the kangaroos had already reached the Blackberrys of opposition members, and after someone stuffed a sock in Mr. Howard's mouth, someone else asked him to reply to the comments. "And good riddance to them all," he said, spitting out the sock. When an aide explained what they had really said, Howard immediately dispatched assistants to see if the Howard family still had land-holdings in the UK and what the residency status the great-great-grandchildren of colonists was.

Apparently the answer was not what he wanted to hear, because he then took a deep breath and said, "All right, anyone not born in Australia has to leave. Pronto. The rest of us can stay." A much calmer Mr. Howard then got his secretary to type up a law to that effect and said that parliament would vote on it the next day. When the Speaker of the House, Mr Laden, tried to object, some of Howard's assistants bundled him into a van and drove him to the airport. Thrusting a fake passport at the shocked Alitalia ticket agent, they said, "Mr. Ladenzetti, he-a-wanna-go-a-home," and then proceeded to stuff the hapless Speaker onto the 12:05 flight to Rome.

The chairman of the Australian Association of Vietnamese Doctors, when reached for comment, shrugged and said, "Plenty of people need doctors in Canada." He then proceeded into a heated debate with his wife over whether it was better to fly Cathay Pacific from Sydney to Vancouver with a stop in Hong Kong, or to take Qantas to LA and then Air Canada across the border.

The next day saw a great number of irate MPs in the House because the Parliamentary restaurant had been closed and the proprietors of all the Italian and Greek delis in town were too busy packing their bags to serve anyone. "Get your wives to make your sandwiches," yelled the Prime Minister. Mrs Howard when reached for comment said: "God, I wouldn't know how to make sandwiches. My Portuguese maid does all that sort of thing. By the way, where's afternoon tea?"

Her manservant replied: "Maria's already gone," as he zipped up his final suitcase. Mrs. Howard went white as a sheet, then called the parliamentary hotline and said: "Get my husband on the line immediately!"

The day after that, his new immigration bill apparently forgotten, a much-subdued Mr. Howard talked to parliament about "the war on terror and the necessary concen… I mean internment camps for refugees in the outback." He then continued, with a smile that seemed to cause him great effort: "But let me tell you if you're already walking the streets in this great country, you can stay. Just show proof of deli ownership if stopped by the police, or in the case of our Vietnamese friends that you've established a general practice and are willing to make house calls at all hours of the day or night in any weather for an in-growing toenail."

Oz PM deports himself

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