Whither now Britain's favourite blind bloke?

Visually-challenged former Minister for Work and Pensions, David Blindgit, sensationally resigned recently following allegations of a share scandal. His decision to quit the Cabinet threw New Labour into immediate disarray, since Blind Bloke was one of Emperor Blair's favourite cronies and seen to be one of the main driving forces behind the Government's audacious plans for a better, brighter Britain.

Despite banging on for years about ID cards in parliament, unaware that the chamber was in fact empty as desperate MPs rushed to the Commons' bar in a desperate bid to escape Blunkett's unshakeable self-belief, he managed to secure positions in successive Cabinets and strike equally impressive positions with a number of lust-driven fillies.

Those days are now, sadly, over. What then lies ahead for the disgraced minister now he is out of favour with the party elite? He is certainly doomed to backbench obscurity unless he pulls a quick "Mandelson" and secures himself a European parliament jolly at the taxpayers' expense. Unlikely, political analysts say, since the cost of retraining Blunkett's dog to negotiate the treacherous streets and alleyways of Brussels has been described as "prohibitive".

Accordingly, we at The Rockall Times have been pondering this conundrum and have come up with a few ideas on how Blunkett can earn a few bob to top up his meagre backbencher's salary:

After-dinner speaker

A popular alternative to working for a living amongst retired and/or failed politicians, who can make vast wads of cash and get a free scoff to boot. He will surely have them choking on their fois gras with his hysterical anecdotes on falling over, accidentally feeling women's chests and treading on his dog. Could form a double act with Baroness Thatcher under the moniker "Blind Git and Barking" — a guaranteed crowd-pleaser.

Trapeze artist

Being a blind bloke, Blunkett will have no fear of heights and we feel sure he could rapidly become the world's first "Flying MP", thrilling the kiddies with his death-defying big top antics, without a safety net. His dog might not be entirely thrilled about the idea though. Ho hum.

"Adult film" performer

They say that losing one of your primary senses heightens the others, so Blunkett's highly-developed sense of touch — described by previous lovers as leaving them "totally satisfied as a woman" — will have the top ladies in the business queuing up to make filthy scud flicks with him. If he relocates to Germany, his dog could probably get in on the action as well.

There are, however, several occupations that we would however strenuously advise Mr Blindgit not to sign up for, including:

• Lollypop man
• Bomb disposal expert
• Circus knife thrower
• Archery instructor
• Airline pilot
• Minister for Work and Pensions

Previously

• David Blunkett: Statesman, father, blind bloke
• 'Blunkett left me totally satisfied as a woman'
• Blunkett truth is 'quantum phenomenon', scientists explain