US looks to cook Canada's goose

Washington, DC — With the nationwide numbers of Canada geese illegally entering the United States, and the headaches they create soiling the super power's fields and streams, the Federal government has declared all-out war against our avian neighbors to the north. President George W. Bush, grasping at any opportunity for a positive sound bite, said in an Address to the Nation Thursday night: "Their goose is cooked."

The geese, without benefit of visas or permanent alien status, have settled in America, particularly in the Northeast. Their numbers are estimated to be about 3.2 million. It is believed that it is merely a coincidence that 3.2 million is the same number of Muslims who have surreptitiously sneaked into Canada.

U.S. Rep. H. James Duckworthy, R. NJ) told The Rockall Times that the US Fish and Wildlife Commission has provided states, including New Jersey, with "executive powers" to take military action against enemy combatants. "Canada geese are at unsafe population levels, and more sneak into the US every day," said Mr. Duckworthy.

Under the Canada War Act, local governments have the sanction to kill geese deemed a public health hazard to waterways and parkland, or are thought to be a threat to national security. States can also empower private citizens to take matters into their own hands and destroy nests and eggs to enforce birth control on the libidinous Canadians. Some states are extending their hunting seasons to twelve months. Especially chilling is the fact that hunters will now be encouraged to use the previously banned electronic bird calls, speaking in Canadian, to lure the unsuspecting geese to their deaths.

Rachel Crowfeather, the spokeswoman for the US Fish and Wildlife Commission commented: "The states are 'thrilled' to finally be allowed to wage war against the Canadians." However, Sharon American-Eagle, National Coordinator of the Coalition to Prevent the Destruction of Canada Geese, said the slaughter was "unnecessary and cruel". "We acknowledge that the America-Canada conflict exists," she said, adding that plenty of Canadian "abatement techniques" exist, that would not involve what amounts to murder, such as using the border police to shoo the birds back to their homeland, where they could peacefully co-exist with Canadian Muslims.

Previously

• Canada invades St. Pierre and Miquelon
• Canadian clubbing season sparks London protests
• Sex case teacher romped with shape-shifting emissary of Satan from fifth dimension