Rockall gobsmacked by Royal Marine outrage

Rockall yesterday joined the rest of the civilised world in roundly condemning footage allegedly showing nude Royal Marines fighting each other as part of a "initiation" ritual inspired by bare-knuckle gypsy boxing DVDs currently enjoying great success on eBay.

The video — shot at Bickleigh Barracks near Plymouth — has two men attacking each other armed with rolled-up carpet offcuts, generally giving it a bit of stick and then receiving a good kicking from an NCO dressed as a schoolgirl while a howling mob of naked squaddies looks on.

"Sickening, just sickening," offered the man known only as Bonzo as he supped a pint of Olde Wifebeater in the snug of Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey. "You call that fighting? When I was in the Paras we had to beat each other with metal bars and house bricks for seven hours. Anyone who threw in the towel had his foreskin cut off with a bayonet and stapled to his forehead as a punishment. Bloody Marines. Pah."

He's right," offered Arthur "Chalky" Black, supping a half of light and mild by the shove ha'penny board. "When I did my National Service the NCOs organised impromptu gladatorial contests between recruits. We'd have ten minutes to fashion a weapon from a bully beef tin and then it was into the fray. If they didn't like your style they'd set the Military Police dogs on the pair of you, strip you naked, smother you with lard and delousing powder and parade you through the local town tied behind an armoured personnel carrier.

"That's nothing," chipped in pot boy Mohammed, temporarily replacing regular table-worrier Dave as the latter enjoyed two weeks in a Baghdad tea house as part of a cultural exchange programme organised by the International Pot Boy Rescue Initiative. "When I spent a couple of hours with the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers in Basra, they kicked the fuc*king shit out of me, pissed on me, hung me from a fork-lift truck, forced me to engage in simulated buggery with another detainee, then took pictures and posted them on the internet."

"Tell you what," chipped in one whippersnapper throwing nuggets into the "Beasting of Bodmin" fruitie. "It all looks a bit gay to me, what with nude mud wrestling and cross-dressing NCOs. You don't reckon the armed forces have gone a bit soft?"

"Too right," thundered Bonzo, slamming down his flagon of ale. "When I was on my way to the Falklands we'd pass the time cutting off each others' ears with Gurkha khukuris. Any Para who didn't fancy having his ears cut off was towed across the deck behind a Sea Harrier while his comrades took potshots at him with rocket-propelled grenades. And by God, if we found out anyone was batting for the other side..."

"The Argies?" queried the young gambler absent-mindedly while shooting his way up the "Deepcut Barracks Bodycount Accumulator" feature.

"No, you bloody idiot," shouted Bonzo. "The left footers. I tell you, if anyone had dressed as a schoolgirl in my time in the army he would have been dropped from a helicopter over Mount Tumbledown, make no mistake, but not before having his foreskin chopped off with a bayonet and stapled to his forehead after being towed behind a Sea Harrier while his comrades took potshots at him with rocket-propelled grenades. It's the only language they understand."

"Of course," interrupted landlord Vince, emerging from the cellar with a rattling crate of Old Capt'n Trumpy's Goose Green Winter Warmer, "homosexuality is legal in the armed forces now, so I suppose they allow a bit of mincing and cross-dressing as long as you've got what it takes to kick a defenceless man in the face for the benefit of the News of the World."

"You call that a kick?" mocked a newly-arrived and blood-spattered Davey Leveret, fresh from the winter chicken cull. "When I was in the Territorial Army back in '96 all new recruits had to shoot themselves in the foot and then hop to the nearest hosptial through three feet of snow while the officers beat them with rifle butts...

Previously

• That new-look British Army in full
• Colonel Tim: The truth behind those shocking war crimes allegations
• Corrs concert to cover coalition withdrawal from Iraq