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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Those smoking slogan compo results in full

Well, the Rockall Times competition email inbox verily raneth over last week as entries to our smoking slogan challenge poured in from all corners of the globe.

Our first observation was how many entries failed to meet the pinciple criterion, ie, to parody government health warnings which have for several years now have had little effect apart from making cigarette packet designers lives a complete misery.

No matter, we did eventually manage to pick five winners, which we'll announce in due course. Before that happy moment, here are a few other entries which caught the judging panel's eye, kicking of with Henry Ferguson:

You'll be less of a fat bastard if you have the odd cigi

The flab-busting properties of tobacco were also noted by William Hackett-Jones:

Fight the flab – have a fag!*
*No eating in pubs serving cigarettes.

Of course, we all know that cigarettes have other health benefits. Ian Ascough offers:

Ladies — Have a happy period: smoke tabs

Señor Ascough, btw, is a regular Rockall Times contributor and noted wit about town. Ditto How Tenji, who suggested:

Since I started smoking I have stopped masturbating in public

Glad to hear it. Now, what about some politics, eh? Ian Baker notes:

Smoking: The only way to fund the UK pensions crisis

A fair point, well put. Try this:

My NANNY used to smoke. She lived to 103
To STATE the obvious, it never did her any harm

Richard Pettiger, the author of the above effort, notes: "Oh, come on, it's not that bad." Ahem. Onwards with James Procter-Blain:

I smoke because I can't afford crack

Yes mate, we've all been there — as has Huw Jones, we reckon:

Smoking: Helping teenage jailbait look more mature since... whenever

We dread to think of the Lolitaesque story behind that one. Hope the judge took into account your previously impeccable record, Mr Jones. Here's another effort clearly based on personal experience, courtesy of Mikblob:

Women who smoke also suck cocks

Simple as that. Before we ask our winners to mount the podium, we present three final noteworthy efforts, strating with Martyn Elmy-Liddiard:

Smoking Causes Infertility
Smoke More
Shag More
Fuc*k the CSA

Robert Beaugie:

Health Warning: Don't smoke, don't drink and don't fornicate
Waiver: This does not guarantee you'll live to 100, but it will fuc*king seem like it

James:

1. Smoking is dead funny.
2. Be dead funny, smoke.

And the winners are...

Ok, enough. Here are the winners who each secure a Rockall Times t-shirt of their choice.

Malcolm Nicholson:

Smoking while pregnant increases the risk of premature evacuation

Josh Hawken

Smoking aids Darwinism

Coco Chanel:

Smoking combats the seven visible signs of ageing

Richard Pettinger:

Smoking — fuck passive, get massive

Alan Moore:

Smoking enhances sexual performance

Yes, we particularly like that last one . Here's our artist's impression of how it would look on a t-shirt:

Tasty. We'll have a look down the back of the sofa and see if we can't scrape together enough to have that printed in the new year. In the meantime, the usual big up rispek to all the above entries and a special pat on the back for our winners.