CIA supremo denies torture rap

Washington, D.C. — "This agency does not do torture," said CIA Director Porter Goss in an exclusive interview with The Rockall Times' American Bureau Chief on Thanksgiving Day. "Our interrogators use 'unique' methods to obtain 'vital' information."

His comments were in response to a legislative proposal outlawing torture or cruel and inhumane treatment of detainees by Sen. John McCain (Republican/Arizona), who was, himself, a "guest" at the Hanoi Hilton for five years during the Vietnam War.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Vice President Dick Cheney has been lobbying, or threatening, it depends on who you believe, members of Congress to except the CIA from any bans on torture. Mr. Cheney said: "There is a huge amount of misinformation swirling about on the subject of alleged treatment of raghead terrorists. That would include alleged activities of alleged agencies of an alleged superpower."

Mr. Goss declined to describe interrogation techniques specific to the CIA during our interview. He commented, "We have developed an agility to interpret the laws, as well as define our techniques within the strictures of our profession's ethics. If this means putting a lot of judgment into the hands of individual torturers, then so be it." When asked to clarify exactly what the hell that meant, Mr. Goss declined to elaborate. He also refused to confirm a rumor that detainees at Guantanamo Bay were shackled to chairs and forced to watch The Martha Stewart Show for 48 hours at a time.

He did, however, confirm that copying an incident recounted in Sen. McCain's autobiography, detainees have an MP3 glued to their ears playing Kate Smith singing God Bless America on a continuous loop.

Previously

• Pinochet biography provokes international rumpus
• Mandela demands end to UK prison inhumanity
• US wins international humanitarian award