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Dear Pete Doherty: Our Rockall guest columnist

Dear Pete Doherty: We are having a multi-denominational, non-secular, all-embracing Festivus bash this season; the season of goodwill to all men, women, children, homosexualists, amputees, the transgendered, hermaphrodites, the French and Muslims.

I am in a quandary over the following tricky decisions; Do I take what I call pâte à campagne — chicken liver, duck confit, fig, hazelnuts and brioche (I usually make this when Robbie Fowler drops over — it's really quite tasty); or a bag of Doritos and some Aldi-brand salsa (medium) — simple but safe?

Another problem is that I'm uncertain about what wine I should take — the sommelier at my members-only club suggested a Merlot for the pâte à campagne (he feels a Pinot Noir because of its natural lightness and velvety taste. Combined with the fig and hazelnut it will derive from its oak-like aroma an amalgam that's a real festive treat for the simple footballer palate) or a later Australian Chardonnay for the Doritos — what do you suggest?

Signed

Joey Barton #8

Dear Joey Barton #8: Qui bien aime, tard oublie (He who loves truly, forgets not easily). That is a quotation from Chaucer's Parliament of Fowles which, I'm sure you'll find, will come in handy on this and many other occasions.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

Warm regards,

Pete Doherty

Dear Babyshambles frontman gadgie: While watching Question Time on BBC Rockall Monday night, I carefully noted that the words "tosser" and "blowjob" were mentioned on at least one occasion. I have written to BBC Rockall demanding the return of my licence fee as I don't expect to be subjected to such profanity and filth when I'm not watching Men & Motors.

Do you think I am being over-sensitive?

Sincerely,

J.Leslie

Dear John: What does everyone want? The moon on a stick?

What are you angry about? What could possibly arouse such ire in your being? You have a life that is the envy of millions.

Of dead people.

Warm regards,

Pete Doherty

More business-critical, real-time advice from The Rockall TImes

• The Jury's Out: The Rockall legal column
• Ask Abi: Our Rockall guest columnist
• Dear Dierdre: My kiss-and-tell hell!

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