Employment agency supplies employees by the pound

The Fuc*kYouIfYou'reStupidEnoughtoRetainUs Employment Agency, with offices all over the UK, has gained success by supplying IT specialists, administrative professionals, managers, and others by the pound. In an interview with The Rockall Times, company founder Leo Brightspark said the idea came to him while he was watching the butcher wrap two pounds of ham for him. "It's been a challenge, but if an employer asks for three hundred pounds of network manager we can get two skinny blokes or one big fat one and tweak the weights a bit with either a gym membership or all an all-expenses-paid holiday to a posh resort."

Asked if this fine-tuning of each candidate's weight didn't increase the company's overhead enormously, Brightspark replied: "No one really cares if we're off by a stone or two either way. I keep the gym memberships and resort visits mainly for myself. And we cut down in other areas, like competent staff to interview candidates."

When asked about resumes, he said: "Those are bits of paper that say things on them like what jobs you've had and stuff." When we said that we knew what a resume was and were actually asking about the Agency's use of resumes, Brightspark replied: "Oh, we don't. In today's world, no one actually expects an agency to vet applicants or anything like that. We're just here to take the blame when the new employee doesn't work out."

It seems employers are taking a shine to the methods of the Agency. The chairman of a large company, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity, said: "We've used Fuc*kYouIfYou'reStupidEnoughtoRetainUs a lot in the last twelve months and they're a useless bunch of bastards. We're very happy with them."

Asked to explain his statement, he continued: "It used to be that a manager could pretty well choose the right candidate almost all the time. But now everyone's taking on morons and it's getting to the point where we might even be called morons ourselves, God forbid, so we need new ways to spread the blame. And traditional agencies aren't cheap. This one is — AND you get a ten percent discount if you take more than a 1000 lbs a month. Since we've been using them our expenses have stayed the same and there hasn't been a single fistfight in the executive lunchroom over who was to blame for an employee who didn't work out. For instance, our new network manager (12 stone 7 lbs) shut down our website and email for three days last month. How was I to know he'd previously only been in charge of two cleaning staff all the while pushing a broom himself? I mean he was still a manager, right? Transferable skills and all that. After the website and email debacle I just used the phrase 'bloody agency' a lot for the next few days and not one attempt was made on my life."

We visited the main Fuc*kYouIfYou'reStupidEnoughtoRetainUs bunker in London and found the waiting room full of job candidates. From his desk Leo Brightspark commented: "This is a very low-cost operation. You know the old expression: 'If you pay peanuts you get, well... less than ideal employees.' With us that hardly matters." He then scooped a handful of some kind of tropical agricultural product from a huge barrel next to his desk and threw it into the corridor. There came a cacophony of frenzied scuffling and the screeching of dozens of job hopefuls. "The secret of selling by the pound is buying by the hundredweight," he said looking at the over-sized barrel fondly.

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