1000th US execution: We have a winner! (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

The execution by lethal injection of Kenneth Boyd in North Carolina last week marks the 1000th execution in the US since the death penalty was re-introduced in 1976. Whilst enthusiasm for capital punishment appears to be waning, the authorities took the opportunity to mark the occasion in the traditional manner. Prison guard Stuart Fredrickson takes up the story:

Kenneth Boyd: Nibbles "It was pretty exciting for us here in Raleigh to be running the thousandth execution. We were all pretty nervous. I think even Prisoner Boyd appreciated the sense of occasion."

Officer Fredrickson went on to explain that a new syringe and needles had been purchased specially for the occasion. "You can't be too careful, what with AIDS and stuff," he noted seriously.

Prison Governor, John Jenkins, stepped in: "I'll take over now officer." Turning to the battery of cameras he continued: "We tried to keep the news from the condemned man, he had enough to worry about without the added pressure of being a celebrity. But it seemed wrong not to mark the occasion in some way so when he walked through the door into the execution chamber we all jumped up with party poppers and whistles shouting 'surprise'. We laid on some drinks and nibbles, the Deputy State Governor came and said a few words."

"I must say though," Continued the Governor. "Prisoner Boyd seemed quite subdued. Obviously we couldn't let him drink any champagne, it might have reacted adversely with the lethal injection, but he might have made the effort and had some orange squash and a few crisps. The Deputy Governor came a long way, I'm sure he didn't want to see Boyd curled up and weeping in a corner just pleading for us to get it over with."

"No siree, a thousandth customer something to mark with due ceremony," said the smiling Governor. "I am sure we would have been subjected to international condemnation had we not had a couple of clowns and a stilt walker to add to the sense of occasion. The strippergram may have been a bit OTT in some people's minds but after half an hour knocking back vintage Bollinger and telling knock-knock jokes we were really in the mood for a proper lads' night. Man, she really got down to it I can tell you! I have never seen ping-pong balls fly so far, nor, come to that, stick to the ceiling. Even Boyd semed to cheer up at that point. But perhaps that was because we let his wife and children in for a final surprise farewell."

"Still all good things must come to an end and when the last of the booze was gone we all retired to the observation room to witness the execution of the sentence," the Governor recalled with some solemnity: "The doctors stepped forward and administered the first injection and as Boyd drifted into unconsciousness I am sure he appreciated seeing all the onlookers performing a Mexican wave."

Across America, meanwhile, and after a year downbeat year for the world's favourite supoerpower, the elimination of Kenneth Boyd from the electoral roll was seen as an opportunity for the nation to let its hair down. Americans partied as only they know how, with cheerleaders, flags, fireworks, beer and enough cholesterol to sink The Magic Numbers, writes Karl Laycock.

Not everyone was celebrating though. Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, explained: "Our state has been responsible for 355 executions, so to miss out on number 1000 is especially disappointing. We'd got a young nigger framed for a double homicide, but those fuc*kers from North Carolina pipped us to the post."

Although Texas leads the way in terms of overall numbers, Virginia can proudly claim to waste a higher proportion of its citizens than any other state. Virginia Governor, Mark Warner, expressed his delight that neighbouring West Virginia scrapped the death penalty: "Don't get me wrong, I'm no faggot. Like any red blooded American male, I get the urge to pull the trigger most days. Some dick cuts you up on the freeway, or they run out of caramel frappuccinos in Starbucks, and you feel like popping a cap in their ass. Our message is simple and sobering. Commit murder in our state and you're history buddy. Either get a grip of yourself, or head over the border and take out some liberal leftie West Virginian parasite instead." The Governor's words are being backed up by a publicity campaign, headed by the slogan "Don't shit on your own doorstep."

Meanwhile in Washington, the U.S. leadership are committed to cutting crime levels. Donald Rumsfeld has urged potential criminals to join the military: " My fellow Americans, please don't murder and terrorise your countrymen. Why fight each other when there's a world of evil heretics out there? Come to Baghdad and shoot the Iraqis instead. Whether you're a sadist, necrophiliac or just a regular psychopath, you'll find we're a broad church (except in religious terms of course). Just don't forget your camera!"

The bulk of executions take place in the Deep South, where the death penalty is a fiercely defended local tradition, alongside gun ownership, incest and the KKK. Although support remains strong, like a John Leslie home movie, cracks are showing.

Even TV evangelist Pat Robertson seems to be losing faith in the system: "The country's going soft. Earlier this year a Supreme Court ruling barred the execution of juveniles. Next they'll be saying we can't fry retards! Of course the death penalty's not acting as a deterrent, since it's such an easy option. Lethal injection, electric chair, hanging, they're all fairly quick and painless. In Florida the inmates can even choose their method of execution. What are they down their, commies? What we need is a more appropriate way of dispatching our evildoers. Perhaps stoning or crucifixion. Nail some sense into the bastards." The latter option does seem to be gaining ground among right-wing extremists, despite one notorious miscarriage of justice involving that particular method.

1000th US execution: We have a winner!

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