I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Turkish football windfall for Scottish chavalry

In the three weeks since Turkish football fans celebrated membership talks with the European Union by pelting Swiss football supporters with coins, Easyjet flights from Scotland to Turkey have been operating at record-breaking capacity.

Easyman Stelios Haji-Ioannou, in an exclusive to The Rockall Times, commented on the sudden popularity of the route: "It's remarkable though not altogether unsurprising. I know it's a cliché as stale and anaemic as suggesting all Welshman are conniving and untrustworthy little bastards but the Scots really do have an eye for a bargain and in tying in our one-way flights to Turkish hot-spots with tickets for local football fixtures, it's a real marketing coup for us."

Eye-witnesses have recounted that large groups of Scots have been seen at Besiktas, Bursapor, Fenerbache and Galatasaray football fixtures where they have been heard to chant anti-Turk slogans and gesticulate in a manner traditionally suggestive of the act of self-love. This deliberate antagonising of local fans tends to result in the oppugnant Caledonians being pelted with coins. The tartan army has subsequently been spotted gathering up the windfall and sending it back home for their loved-ones to spend on Buckfast Tonic Wine and tins of Tennants Super. At a recent Bursapor-Fenerbache fixture, Yehuda Goldberg of the Glasgow suburb of Barrhead, made £6.37 in shrapnel that had been launched at him by bearded and visibly-agitated locals, some of whom were men. "When I add that to my dole money, it's far more than I could have made stood outside The Buchanan Street bus station selling The Big Issue," boasted Goldberg who has been appointed unofficial leader of the Turkey-based Scottish chavalry. "With Christmas fast-approaching, this could really not have come at a better time for me and ma peepil."

Mayor of London Ken Livingstone spoke to The Rockall Times of the effect the mass Scottish migration has had hundreds of miles away from the Scottish border. "It's remarkable though not altogether unsurprising. We have enjoyed a marked decrease in the number of Scotsmen begging and harassing good, decent Londoners in the past three weeks. It is accepted fact that the vast majority of vagrants in London are ginger-haired and incomprehensible and with our new push to promote binge-drinking in time for Christmas, we were anxious that Scottish vagrants would ruin the new extended licensing laws for good, decent Londoners. With all the jocks now shoved off to Turkey, good, decent Londoners can move freely about train stations without fear of being accosted by strapping, burly, and revolving-eyed Scotsmen intent on shouting incomprehensible abuse at good, decent Londoners. My surname is actually of Welsh origin," beamed the cheeky political chappy wearing one of his trademark linen suits in December.

Not all has been sunshine and lollipops, however, particularly for the Turks. Truong Arcelik from Bodrum County Council told our Scotland correspondent: "Alman besteci Ludwig van Beethoven'ın dört ay önce keşfedilen elyazması bir müzik parçası, açık artırmada 1,95 milyon dolara satıldı." Given the circumstances, it is very difficult to disagree. There have also been reports of wankered ginger-nutted Irn-Bru wogs roaming in gangs nicking the shoes of barefooted genuflecting pilgrims who flock to Mosques and local sacellums at prayer time. The Royal Mail in Scotland has reported a huge surge in the number of parcels franked with Turkish postage and containing pointy, comedy, Genie-type shoes. A Royal Mail spokespostie has assured The Rockall Times that the venerable old institution is doing everything in its power to ensure the parcels are lost in time for Christmas.

Previously

• HEADLINE
• HEADLINE
• HEADLINE

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sport’ index page