---

I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

---

Trawl Rockall for:

---

Parveen Sharif receives education honour

The sister of a British suicide bomber was given a special award today after allegedly telling pupils that she played inside left and wore the number 8 "on Osama bin Laden's team" while teaching at two primary schools.

Parveen "Tracy" Sharif, who was acquitted last week of failing to tell police about her brother's ambitious plans to refurbish a Tel Aviv bar by blowing himself up inside it, is said to have made the helpful remarks after the atrocity on 11th September, 2001 when a high-jacked aeroplane failed to crash into America's White House.

Grampian School and Somerlea Park School, both in Derbyshire, sent their thanks to al-Muhajiroun & Sons Unlimited, the employment agency that supplied her and requested Sharif be employed on a full-time basis. The schools also provided a commendation for her to be given a post as Head Mistress in one of Derby's problematic inner-city schools.

One child, who was aged 10 at the time, told police: "She says she's on bin Laden's First XI and it's a good job that bin Laden crashed into the twin towers because he was actually aiming for the fuc*king statue of Liberty."

Ms. Sharif was alleged to have engaged her classes in a maths exercise which involved her saying "Hands up everybody that's got relations in New York". After counting aloud the number of hands raised and entering the final number into a Texas Instruments Speak and Spell Maths machine, Ms. Sharif declared: "Well, the computer says they’re dead."

The judge, Lord Commissioner Aga Khan, said that the children were unreliable, wretched, horrid little witnesses whose statements could not be substantiated.

The case against the Sharifs hinged on the interpretation of e-mail traffic between 27-year-old Omar Sharif and his family in Derby before he embarked on his Changing Rooms-inspired mission in April 2003 and shortly after he had completed filming Lawrence of Arabia.

The ambitious interior-designer told his relatives to destroy "problematic material", in particular the mpeg of Abi Titmuss with her mouth full John Leslie and the small file featuring Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst pummelling a female fan's ringpiece. He went on to write: "I intend on renovating the interior as well as some of the exterior of Mike's Bar in Tel Aviv by blowing myself up using a design inspired by Linda Barker's Really Linda Barker self-mutilation range." Ms Sharif replied imploring him to be strong, focused and to show no emotion despite the fact The Koran clearly states that Limp Bizkit is a load of bollocks and that the grinning-ubiquitous-swivel-eyed Linda Barker is in cahoots with Lucifer. A few days later Sharif and 21-year-old Asif Hanif, another Briton, went for an unorthodox bonding session at Mike's Bar, taking advantage of Labour's new licensing laws. During the binge-drinking extravaganza, three people were blown up and sixty-five others injured.

The Old Bailey jury decided that the e-mails were not sufficient proof that Ms Sharif and her brother knew about the unconventional feng shui mission.

Omar Sharif, a father of three and champion Bridge player who has appeared in over 100 films, did not die in the blast because his suicide belt failed to detonate, though a spokesman for Really Linda Barker says his statutory rights will not be affected should he wish to claim a full refund for the faulty product. Sharif fled the scene and his body was found two weeks later on a lilo in the Mediterranean. He has been staying as a guest of keen Stamford Bridge player Roman Abramovich ever since.

Sharif and the lucky Hanif, whose bomb did explode, were followers of the popular man-about-town wag, organic green grocer and part-time cleric Omar Bakri Mohammad who has left the UK and begun filming X Factor Lebanon with Simon Cowell, Sharon Osborne and The Conway Sisters in Beirut.

The Disputed emails

22/4/2003
Omar Sharif, in Palestinian Territories, to Zahid Sharif, Derby

"I hope u are well. Please take care of yourself and always buckle up — it's the law. Difficult times may lie ahead for you and the family in the next few weeks or months if Allah wills according to Mystic Meg in The Sun. Plan now and get rid of any material you may consider problematic like that moody leather jacket you bought off Honest John down the Fighting Dog and Pikey and those David Hasselhoff DVDs from the market. Please give a copy of the following message to my wife (the one with the lazy eye). 'After reaching our destination Allah and the Tom Tom GPS navigation unit we bought in Halfords guided us to his friends who were very happy to see us, and they said they needed our help very much. I hope you are strong. Like Geoff Capes. Know that everything is just a Test though it's a hard act to follow, The Ashes, and to be blunt the Sky coverage in Pakistan has been rank. Allah will reward the patient ones though Steve Harmison is just rubbish at number 11. Look after Khadijah, Hamza and Britney [their children] and bring them up well. We did not spend a long time together in this world but I hope through Allah's mercy and your patience we can spend an eternity together and I will take you for that drink just for fuc*k's sake let me finish watching Eastenders first. We will talk later, I hope to go and be with the best of company soon, you will hear from my friend the good news ... Make dua [prayers] that Allah makes me sincere, firm, windswept and interesting and that he accepts my actions and forgives me my chronic wind'. Delete this message and don't let the rozzers read it."

26/4/2003
Omar Sharif to Parveen Sharif (extract)

"salam parv, may Allah bless you. thank you very much for the letter and the scratch cards. i won a fiver on the 'santa's sleigh' game by getting three rudolphs in a row. it was very helpful. inshAllah we will see each other soon down the boozer. remember me in your duas, I mostly think of you when I'm knocking one off the wrist."

Previously

• Palestinian bomb cat picture shocks civilised world
• 'Sensless' Java bombing a 'despicable' act of 'pure evil'
• Suicide bomber decimates London radio station