Club 18-30 on war crimes rap

Club 18-30 are at the centre of a diplomatic storm after they were accused by human rights groups of flying helpless young men to secret destinations in Europe for sexual torture. Kittie Shrill, a 13-year-old spokesperson for the "travel firm" told The Rockall Times: "Anyone would fink we're in breach of international law the way some are carrying on like."

But the dispute refuses to go away. "Why," asks Todd Fartingale-Techly of human rights group Watch It, "are these Club 18-30 planes arriving at Luton and Stanstead from US air force bases in America before continuing to Smzerskabja in Poland, Mjnnensk in Kaliningrad and Prtcici in Romania? Not exactly sunkissed hotspots are they?" But Club 18-30 have their answers ready. "Nightlife in these emerging resorts is cheap, fourpence for a pint of vodka, girls charging as little as a pound an hour no questions asked. The Med is old hat, too expensive, the police are cracking down on Brit behaviour in Greece and we can't go to Cyprus anymore because we lost the map."

The row was about to die down until Foreign Secretary Jack "Smirking" Straw let slip that he was concerned about CIA flights escorting suspected terrorists to secret CIA jails in Eastern Europe. A quick search on Wikipedia by The Rockall Times revealed the alleged locations of these jails: Smzeskabja, Mjnnensk and Prtcici. Coincidence? "Absolutely not," said an ex-public schoolboy at the Foreign Office. When asked why he replied: "Because it just isn't."

This week US Secretary of State for War Crimes and International Law, Condo Baad Rice, will be meeting European Foreign Ministers who intend to ask her about the possible links between the CIA, Club 18-30 and the war on terror. "Ain't no link," she told reporters on the Whitehouse patio last Thursday. "Yous gettin cold feet about dis war on the muslims, you talkin a load o shit about some dum ass torture camps n skin flicks in da east. Wot's yo problem. Yo telin me yo aint had yo stick licked by some commie sweety on da Black Sea? Dis is da Frogs and da Huns gettin mixed up agin about protectin da muslims and we's tryin to fight a war here, yo know what I'm sayin."

The Rockall Times, always eager to know the truth and risk life in the pursuit of it decided to find out using covert methods honed by MI6 during the cold war against Belgium. We asked twelve year Marcus Rowell, from Basingstoke, to ring Club 18-30 and book five nights in Prtcici. The telephone conversation was recorded. The following transcript was passed on to Humberside Police who are now investigating whether Marcus Rowell has a valid tax disc on his car.

Club 18-30: Hiya
Marcus Rowell: Hiya, is that Club 18-30
C18-30: Wot
MR: Is that Club 18-30
C18-30: Yeah, course it is. Wot d'you want?
MR: Can I book five nights in Prtcici?
C18-30: Ang on, I'll av a see. Ow old are yer?
MR: Twelve
C18-30: Wot
MR: Twelve
C18-30: Alright, ang on a minute...When were you finkin of going?
MR: Tomorrow
C18-30: Wot
MR: Tomorrow, like
C18-30: Oh, like day after today?
MR:v Yeah
C18-30: Ang on a minute...[in the background] wot, who's coil's come out?...Tracy's?...Where did that appen?...Hello
MR: Hello
C18-30: Where is Pertichi?
MR: Romania like
C18-30: Ang on... Is that near Cardiff?
MR: No, eastern Europe
C18-30: Wot
MR: Eastern Europe. You know Greece
C18-30: Yeah
MR: It's a bit higher up from Greece
C18-30: Oh right. Ang on...[in the background] Debs, can you pass me that vinegar bottle...

[After a pause of about five minutes the phone operator comes back]

C18-30: Hiya. Ow old did you say you were?
MR: Twelve
C18-30: Have you, or a relative, or anyone you know ever been a muslim, belonged to a muslim organisation, visited a muslim country, know anyone who is a muslim, belong to a muslim organisation, visited a muslim country or harbour, encourage, display or otherwise countenance muslim sympathies?
MR: No
C18-30: Do you, a relative or anyone you know own a copy of the Quran, read passages from the Quran or have connections with any person, group or organisation who read, preach or promote the Quran?
MR: No
C18-30: Right. We've no seats for Pertichi but I can do you twelve nights in Rhodes. Full board but you haf bring your own rubbers.
MR: Alright. I'll think about it. See yer.
C18-30: Wot
MR: I'll think about it.
C18-30: Alright. see yer.

Security observer Will Self was unavailable for comment, whilst the CIA insisted they had no commercial links with Club 18-30 at the present time.

Previously

• ‘I wish I’d kept legs shut’ sobs six-in-a-bed TV slapper
• British girls' holiday sex tally on the wane
• Revealed: The shocking state of British virgins