CIA launches budget airline

So-called "Rendition" flights to become commercial venture

America's Central Intelligence Agency now has so many aircraft dedicated to moving terror suspects around the world that they have decided to set up their own budget airline.

"The CIA go to many places that regular airlines don't serve," commented an anonymous spokesman at an off-the-record briefing. "And our flights are rarely full. There are always plenty of unused seats. It makes good financial sense, especially with budget cuts looming."

It's not just about saving money, however. A side benefit of interest to the CIA is that commercial flights will assist with interrogations. "Just think how stressed ordinary travellers are after endless security checks, followed by hours of in-flight entertainment and junk airline food," continued the spokesman. "Most are at breaking point when they get to their destinations, and we can exploit this effect. We believe travelling on our own budget airline will help soften up suspects. And anyway, it costs a lot to employ foreign torturers, what with confidentiality payments and so on. Anything we can do to help them get results quicker will be welcome."

Indeed, it was the CIA's last Director who hit on the idea quite by chance a few years ago, when Concorde was still flying. He had to return Stateside pronto, and the only available seat was next to Michael Winner.

Particularly stubborn terrorists face even greater torment, however. "For the real hardened fundamentalists, we have our Special Excursion," said the spokesman, visibly shuddering. "This will be a flight from Glasgow to Benidorm, in with a bunch of package tourists. Four hours with that lot is the same as a week in Guantanamo, believe me!"

The new company needs a name suitable for these image-conscious times. Suggestions from inside the agency included Contradict, Incursia and Extradite, but these were found to be already registered. The task has now been outsourced to a firm specialising in branding, where the frontrunner is believed to be Excrucia, despite its similarity to the Vatican's direct mail joinery operation, Excrusis.

Initially though, these so-called "rendition" flight have created controversy, especially in Europe, where human rights are supposed to have a higher priority. However, news that the CIA intends to create a business from them has been welcomed by Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson, who affectively gave the venture his blessing. "Opening this up to competition," he declared, "means European airlines like Sleazy Jet can tender for the work. Their standards of customer service are easily low enough to meet the CIA's needs."

The reaction from other budget airlines has been mixed, although a spokeswoman for Glasgow-based charter outfit Ned Air commented "They're welcome to the Benidorm run. It costs us a fortune to get the seats steam cleaned afterwards."

Previously

• CIA supremo denies torture rap
• CIA uncovers massive US paramilitary group
• CIA scales new heights in war against ragheads