Canada v US: The gloves are off

Furore erupted in Ottawa last Tuesday after local USA Inc. supremo David Wilkins, otherwise known as the American ambassador, warned the Canadian PM not to play the popular Canadian sport of America-bashing to win support in the current election campaign.

When PM Paul Martin shot back: "That Americ*an bastard can stay out of things that don't concern him," Washington reacted by saying: "Canadians never used to say things like that about us. During Ronald Reagan's reign we actually invaded Canada. We didn't need tanks or troops since the Canadians don't actually have a military. But once we were there they were too polite to ask us to leave. That kind of took the fun out of it: no suicide bombings, no 'yanks bugger off' graffiti. Plus they kept saying 'please' and 'thank you' all the time, so after a while we got bored and went home."

Things seem to have changed. When press secretary to former P.M. Jean Chretien called George W. Bush a moron, it took one week and two letters of resignation before the prime minister gave her the velvet boot. "He is not a moron,' said Chretien to the press afterwards, to sniggers and muffled laughter. Americans, who are not known for their ability to appreciate subtle humour, thought reporters were laughing at Mr. Chretien's appearance. Because of partial facial paralysis he has often been known as the driver of the getaway car. "Now get out of here," he continued to the press, "or I'll have contracts put out on the lot of you."

Leader of the Opposition Stephen Harper tried to get the election campaign back on track by enumerating all the promises the government had weaseled out of in its 12 years in office. He said: "Mr. Marten has weaselled out of every promise he's ever made. He should be killed."

To which the Prime Minister replied: "I should not. And the name is spelt M-A-R-T-I-N. I can hear that 'E' in there."

Mr. Harper then said: "He should be clubbed to death on an ice floe like the fur-bearing mammal he is."

Mr. Martin's standings in the polls have soared since he told that Americ*an bastard to piss off. Meanwhile, the conservative Washington Times newspaper has been championing Opposition leader Stephen Harper as their candidate of choice to lead Canadian Nazis into the 1940s. But Mr. Harper replied: "Piss off you Americ*an bastards and stop ruining my chance of becoming Canadian dictator."

Mr Harper's ratings rallied a little after that outburst, but many Canadians were not impressed. "He's just joking," said Jean-Pierre from outside his igloo in a Montreal suburb. "You could practically see he him winking at Washington as he said it, fingers crossed behind his back and all. Nope, he's just pretending to play the great Canadian game. And we can never respect a man like that." He paused to throw a snowball at a car sporting a Connecticut licence plate. "And stop saying I live in an igloo, you stereotype-promoting, limey press wanker."

Author's note

I've lived this side of the pond for so long I honestly don't remember how well-known the phrase "to weasel out' is in Blighty. I suppose it's obvious from the context, but here are some definitions anyway.

weasel (n.): 1) contemptible person who reneges on responsibilities and commitments; 2) small fur-bearing mammal of ferocious temperament.

weasel (v.i.): 1) the act of reneging on responsibilities and commitments, e.g. to weasel out; 2) to act like a small, ferocious fur-bearing mammal.

marten (n.): 1) species of weasel; 2) Canadian Prime Minister.

Bush (n.) (vulgar): Large ferocious mammal, probably fur-bearing, which is why we never see him in shorts, native to North America but who lately thinks he belongs everywhere.

Previously

• Canada gripped by cricket fever
• Canada invades St. Pierre and Miquelon
• Canadian clubbing season sparks London protests