Docs run amok in choc box shock (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Hundreds of student doctors have been sent down after they made an amazing discovery — how to get drunk on chocolate! Pervy pupils at a Sussex university made the startling find while playing traditional "induction" games at a freshman bash, when a playful party-goer was literally left reeling after taking part in a saucy game involving a chocolate bar.

Kinky Keith Abbott, a 19-year-old medical student from Goring, said: "I couldn't afford to get pissed that night 'cause my student loan hadn't come through, so I'd decided to go to the party, where I got sorted with a girl called Tara. We started playing a game where you had to make your girl cum [a slang term for orgasm] as fast as possible without using your cock. If you don't make her cum quickly everyone takes the piss out of you, so when my fingers got tired I grabbed the first thing I found in my pocket and shoved it in her snatch. I'm not really into rug-munching, but Tara's a frigid cow — so I ended up having to go down on her as well. I couldn't believe my luck when I ended up shit-faced!"

The astounded group realised further research was needed, and selflessly volunteered their services in the name of science. Despite intensive "chocolate box" experimentation, it soon became apparent that a successful outcome was only achieved when working with the subject of the original discovery — 20-year-old Tara Biglowe. Many female freshers were left frustrated by their failure to produce results, and testing became solely concentrated on Biglowe in a bid to find out more about this phenomenon.

A breakthrough came when Biglowe's lover exposed a sneaky secret that temptress Tara had been hoping to hide. Lawrence Simmons, 20, said: "When I started seeing Tara I thought she was my dream girl — what could be better than a woman who only wants cheap nights in bed and gets you pissed for just 35p? My mates were so jealous that I had to let them all have a pop at her — I didn't mind sharing with the girls though." The lusty lothario soon put two and two together when he spotted old tubes of thrush cream — and realised that Tara was suffering from candida, a common yeast infection that thrives in dark, moist body cavities. "When yeast feeds on sugar this produces alcohol — the more sugar there is, the more alcohol is produced," the savvy scholar said. "All it takes is a finger of fudge in a yeasty twat — as soon as I realised that I dumped Tara for a less slutty bird."

Shortly after the discovery was released, there followed outbreaks of rampant, alcoholic riots where hundreds of pounds worth of wilful damage was made to university property. Flowerbeds were flattened, lawns were scoured bare, student "digs" left drenched and unusable — all due to crazed students affected by what psychologists have labelled "Muff-dive Mania". Attempts by the Dean to curb mounting muff-dive mania proved ineffectual: "I've tried, but the students are out of control," he confessed tearfully. "When I warned them that future offenders would be sent down, and possibly in danger of a permanent discharge, they all started clapping and cheering."

Despite widespread condemnation of muff-dive mania within the academic community, others see the continued prevalence as a positive benefit. "Handy" Ghandi Patel, owner of "SnakShack", the on-campus sweet shop, said: "I think it is a wonderful and fascinating thing they have discovered, and it's been a real boon to my business — I have had to bring my nephew, Ranjit, in full time just to keep filling the chocolate display." It seems that Yorkie bars are for girls, despite what the adverts say, though Mars Bars have still proved to be the most popular. Surprisingly there has been a noticeable decline in the recent sales of Snickers bars, though Mr. Patel thinks he may have the answer. "The name has smutty connotations that students do not wish to be associated with," he told us. "Though I may be wrong," he added philosophically. "Ranjit says it's because girls do not like the nuts put in the vagina with a gentleman's sugar stick."

Tasty Tara, 20, the girl who started it all, said: "Some people say I should feel guilty for causing all this to happen, but I can't say I've any regrets — since the night of the freshers' party my life has been amazing!" Not only does she now run a profitable business selling her yeast-permeated panties to less fortunate women, but also owns popular knicker-swapping fetish club, "Knickersuckerglory". "Everyone was thrilled by this amazing discovery — but no one was more thrilled than me," said ex-student Tara. "After Keith got off his box, everyone wanted a lick of mine — going down is certainly looking up!"

Docs run amok in choc box shock

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