Revealed: Britain's first face transplant

The world was stunned and amazed recently as details of the world’s first ever face transplant were revealed by doctors in France. The recipient, a French woman, had been badly savaged by a dog intent on pulling the string of onions from around her neck. In the melee, the unfortunate victim lost nose, lips and part of her chin to the pooch, believed to have been driven to the despicable act by the smell of garlic.

The operation was highly successful, and has prompted British physicians to admit that such an operation has only last week been carried out this side of the English Channel, on a patient whose identity will remain anonymous. Until now, that is, when The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that the new beneficiary of a "one careful owner with full service history" face is none other than our beloved and embattled Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

Sources close to the PM's office have disclosed (upon the handover of various confections including jam doughnuts) full details revealing the extent of the traumatic operation and the political motivation behind it. After this year's historic election victory, Blair was returned with a much reduced majority and his confidence took a knock as he correctly feared that no-one loved him anymore.

Descending into a downward spiral of self-loathing and doubt, the PM has taken to consulting a magic mirror procured by his wife, Cherie, from friend, mystic nut-job and former grumble-pic model Carol Caplin. Subjected to Blair's combative close questioning, the mirror has always responded calmly that yes, he was the "most beautiful party leader of all". Until early December that is, when to his horror the mirror named another man (predictably not Charlie Kennedy, slack-jawed sot and broken veined liberal monster).

Quangos were formed and taskforce Tsars appointed as Blair searched for a solution to reverse this latest Government crisis. The answer came from France, in the form of the face transplant. Surgeons worked feverishly through the early hours one night to complete the transformation of Blair into the new, New Labour face of the future. He has recently started to be known by a new pseudonym — David Cameron.

The British public appear, so far, to be hoodwinked completely by Blair's cunning political gamble. Gone are the deep worry lines born of hours of recrimination over Iraq, gone is the balding pate caused by Blunkett's sexual acrobatics exposed in the media, and gone is the question of when Gordon Brown will complete his house move and receive the keys to number 10.

Instead, he is now sporting a baby smooth face of someone 20 years younger than him, a carefree and casual cocaine habit, and a magnificent head of lustrous locks that would put even Michael Portillo during his pomp in the shade.

Previously

• Blair fires broadside of flagship Bills
• 'I've got the biggest chopper' — Blair
• Tory leadership battle in final breathless fling