Paris Hilton — A dog's life

Hollywood, California — In an exclusive interview with Celebrity Dog Magazine, Tinkerbelle Hilton blew the lid off her upcoming emancipation from her "famous" parent, Paris. As so many celebrity children before her, Tinkerbelle wants out of a relationship she considers "sick" and "co-dependent". The chihuahua, dressed in a stunning Prada suit and pearls, declined to confirm that she has received a $2m advance for a "Mommy, Dearest" exposé.

Through her spokesdog, Tinkerbelle stated: "I'm tired of being lugged around in a Louis Vuitton carrier like I'm just an accessory. I have feelings... and needs." Delicately put, Tinkerbelle got her period unexpectedly and bled all over her white beaded Bob Mackie frock at a benefit for some charity currently considered "important". Sources say she bled all over Paris' white beaded Bob Mackie also. In any case, bites were exchanged, and pleas for some shag time with the Taco Bell pitchdog were ignored.

Shortly after this incident, Tinkerbelle was reported lost. According to her, she was actually a hostage at the Betty Ford Clinic, undergoing involuntary reprogramming. "How would you feel if you were replaced by a ferret, then a monkey, and then a goat?" she sniffed. "I had to retaliate. Peeing on her bed doesn't do anything. The maid just changes our sheets. I had to sell her mobile phone to the National Enquirer to make a point."

Despite some quality time together on Maui, the relationship continued to deteriorate, and the stress of coping with two jet-setters called "Paris" proved to be too much for the plucky chihuahua. Tinkerbelle moved into a luxury hotel in Beverly Hills, and hired a high-profile attorney.

"My girl being acknowledged as the worst pet owner in the world speaks for itself," she snarled.

Previously

• Paris Hilton hysterical at web snaps leak
• Celebrities have more sex, better sex and sex with more people
• You too could have sex with Abi Titmuss