I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Readers express outrage at missed issue snafu

Apologies to all our regular readers who missed last weeks issue of TRT — a combination of force majeure, Act of God, ebola and a couple of pints of Olde Wifebeater conspired to knock the issue off the web. Naturally, Rockall Times regulars were not going to take this outrage lying down:

Well I never! A global news story and you pissed-up lazy bastards lay in your pits while north west London burns! Eighteen pints of lager downed on Saturday night in the Fighting Dog and Pikey while unsuccessfully trying to prompt some socially responsible un-inebriated pseudo-tarts to drop their knickers and come out fighting in the name of Binge-drinking, quite against their better judgements I might add, and you let Armageddon go unreported! Shame on you!

Best you get a mobile phone mast installed on Rockall and fuck the brain-wave health concerns so that we, the discerning readers, can transmit to you our own news reports with semi-amateur pictures and video to a quasi (modo) coherent news desk editor on a Sunday morning. Is it too much to ask to expect an objective, cockney tanker drivers' insight into the largest peace time fire in post war Europe featured exclusively in the RT? Do you not think your readers would appreciate the early analysis of why their homes in Boulogne-sur-mer and beyond shook during the early hours of Sunday morning owing to a multi-kiloton air-burst device detonating over a sleepy English hamlet?

Again, there was no scoop to be found when the Government deployed it's answer to the crisis in the form of John Prescott. What an ingenious answer to get the deputy prime minister to Jag it over to Herts, pick up the Chief Constable in the socialist limo and get him to direct Prezza to the site because his sat-nav failed to work under the large and thick cloud cover, then deploy the Prezza to give an impromptu speech and so raise sufficient hot air to raise the enormous toxic cloud to stratospheric levels thus safely drifting it from our shores onto the European mainland - preferably France but we aren't really bothered who gets the fall-out!

And lastly, what about the timely release of the latest Government statistics? Stung by the criticism of releasing bad news on 9/11 they chose to release good news on 12/11. The Government announced that after the explosion the police response time was 7 minutes while the fire brigade responded in 9 minutes and the ambulances responded within 11 minutes while 39 solicitors arrived on the scene within 3 minutes. When an old hack pointed out that it was 06:00 on a Sunday morning and response times were likely to be unrepresentative police arrived with a measuring tape to see how far away the hack was from the house of commons, threatening immediate arrest if the heat drove him backwards,

Dave Peers, Sutton, Surrey

Crikey. There's more:

Yo, b'itches! You muthas is in fo' a cap-in-ass-a-poppin'! Me an' ma homies is gonna whip some roc*kin' Rockaw Times ass, 'f yo' all b'itches don' get on wi'it an PUBLISH yo' bitchin' Monday DOSE, man. You went an' got me HOOKED on dat shit, comin' back week after week, an now, when ah need it MOST, dat miserable commercial time a' year, yo' b*itches is holdin' it back, like you got some-ting SPECIAL for us junkies dis time a' year. Well, ah tell you WHAT, special or no fuc*kin' special, ah don' give a shi*t, I wan' ma fix of YEAST LOGIC, an' I wan'it NOW. Bit*ches. Yo, wid a BIG-UP rispek to y'all island lovers, William Willard III H-J.

Well put sir. However, we think you'll agree that this week's bumper issue contains more than enough meaty goodness to satisfy even the most demanding Rockall Times aficionado. Which is just as well, since we are taking some time to clean the guillemot guano from the servers and recharge the emergency satire batteries.

Accordingly, out next issue will be Monday, 7 January. Until then, we would like to wish all our readers a very jovial Yule, and feel free to pop down to the Fighting Dog and Pikey for a quick Britannia fighting sherry if you're in the neighbourhood.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Information’ index page