John Smith's seeks bright new face of bitter

Bosses at John Smith's bitter are looking for some one to replace comic Peter Kay, who sensationally quit their absolutely hilarious ad campaigns for the Yorkshire bitter after claiming he was "too busy to make any more" and that he needed quality time to "sober up".

Advertising supremo Dick "Richard" Head revealed that after the death of George Best — their first choice as Kay substitute — they were now considering a rather round, stumpy-looking bloke aged about 46 with a solidly comical background, ginger hair and an equally insatiable appetite for booze.

He explained: "Apart from meeting the description, he's got to be the sort of bloke you would like to go to the pub with, the sort of bloke you could trust to manage an off license or vote for as a politician."

However, rumours that serial drunk and ex-leader of the Liberal Democrats, Charles Kennedy, had applied for the position, were instantly denied by the rather wobbly politico.

While swigging from a litre bottle of scotch Chaz slurred that he wasn't actually the kind of bloke people wanted to drink with, leave in charge of an off licence, or vote for.

Previously

• Liberal Democrats proclaim Second Coming
• General Election 2005™ — Are you still floating?/a>
• Labour in disarray over mislaid soundbite