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Celebs thick as pigsh*it: Official

In a Celebrities versus Plebs quiz match in Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey last night, it quickly became apparent that the well-loved figures in British life are in actual fact as thick as pigsh*it, something that the morons at the forefront of our sporting and entertainment worlds are always keen to stress is just not true.

We invited a crack team of celebs to take on the locals in our glorious Islet's favourite watering hole and see whether they could cut the mustard in a battle of brainpower. Reproduced below is a snapshot view of the evening, taking in a few of the questions and answers put to the two sides.

The teams consisted of:

Celebs

• Jade Goody (Big Brother has been.)
• Rio Ferdinand (Centre Back, Manchester United FC.)
• Michael Barrymore (Comedian, TV Personality and bender.)
• Jordan (aka Katie Price, glamour model.)

Plebs

• Greg Doublewank (Journalist, The Rockall Times.)
• Vince (Publican, the Fighting Dog and Pikey.)
• Edna Potato (Postmistress, retd.)
• Colonel Sir Evelyn McCready-Smythe (Blues and Royals, retd.)

In what Year did Duke William of Normandy invade England?

• Plebs — 1066
• Celebs — 1966

What is Jamie Oliver's restaurant called?

• Plebs — 15
• Celebs — Burger King

Who is Prime Minister of Ireland?

• Plebs — Bertie Ahern
• Celebs — Bertie Bassett

Who is heir to the throne in England?

• Plebs — Prince Charles
• Celebs — The artist formerly known as Prince

What town in the North of England shares the same name as the capital of the USA?

• Plebs — Washington
• Celebs — Scotland

Who gave the World his theory of relativity?

• Plebs — Albert Einstein
• Celebs — Albert Tatlock

An interval of 15 minutes was taken after the fourth round for refreshment. However, during this time, Jade and Jordan managed to drink 27 bottles of Blue WKD each, eat six kebabs and give oral relief to Rio Ferdinand. Mr Ferdinand had previously been rendered unconscious through exhaustion at having to try and understand all the long words in the previous rounds and the two girls thought they would try and revive him the only way they knew how. Mr Barrymore meanwhile disappeared during the interval and was later found in one of the rougher estates of East Rockall trying to "score some Charlie and find a house with a swimming pool".

The contest was then declared an outright win for the Rockall team, who won first prize of a bottle of Britannia fighting sherry and a £5 book token each. The male members of the team were also offered oral relief by Ms Goody and Ms Price but declined, as they couldn't be sure if their tetanus jabs were up to date.

Previously

• Celebrities have more sex, better sex and sex with more people
• I want sex with hundreds of celebrities: Jordan
• Obituary: Les Dennis

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